Cheating

I don't know why, but the topic of cheating has been in my head for the past few days. If you don't know me or my story, I'll run down (briefly) my experiences with this topic. Firstly, I was married to a woman I thought was my soulmate. I knew what I was doing when I married her, and if I had the chance to do it again, I still would have. The problem is we were together at such a young age, and married at such a young age, that we weren't able to be adults first. We ended up growing into different people who just plain and simply do not belong together. If I were to meet my ex-wife on the street today, I know I wouldn't even think about dating her. Fuck her, maybe... Ok, probably. The thing is, we just aren't right for each other. Why, then, if we know who we are with is wrong for us, do we continue to stay in a dead-end relationship? Someone always ends up hurt. I, for one, was on the wrong end of that hurt with her. I won't get into particulars, but she had cheated on me multiple times with multiple people, most of which I knew on a somewhat personal level. We continuously tried to work things out, but it got too much. After finding out she cheated on me, I did the same. It is something I am in no way proud of. It is shameful to admit that I stooped to her level, but I needed to get what I was not getting at home. However, I mostly did it to get back at her. The girls that I cheated on her with meant nothing to me, and I thought about her the entire time. After the divorce, I began dating a girl that was a party animal, smoker and borderline alcoholic. There was little romance that happened in this relationship, however. After a few months of "dating" she admitted one morning that she had made-out with someone she had met at the bar the night before. I wasn't as surprised as I was more consumed with why I am on the shit-end of the stick. Again. A few relationships/dating partners later, I decided that I was going to be in control of my own destiny. I became someone I really am not. I womanized, I drank to excess every night, I smoked constantly. I started seeing a girl I will refer to as "American Idol." Now American Idol was young. As in 19 or 20. I was 28/29 at the time. She wanted so badly to be a couple. I saw how much I knew she was falling for me, yet I became even more of an asshole. I saw her as my ex-wife and I was getting back at her. Looking back, I feel extremely bad for American Idol. She wanted nothing more than to make me happy. I would text her to come over, she would. We would have sex and then I would send her back home. After she got me another beer, lit my cigarette and made me a sandwich, of course. The thing is, she would do it. Then I wouldn't call or text her for two or three weeks, all the while, fucking other girls. We had a loose commitment to each other. She was devoted to me and I would only text or call if I wanted sex. She really is a sweet girl. She was fun to hang out with and it does kinda hurt to know that I hurt her so badly. I fucked her up for any dude that follows. I'll be punished with a daughter, for sure. American Idol's situation wasn't really cheating, but it was close enough because I knew how she felt about me, yet I still did things behind her back with no remorse or sympathy to her feelings. The old adage is "once a cheater, always a cheater." I'm not sure I believe this. I know that it is definitely easier to cheat once you have. I feel like I can do it, if I ever wanted to, whenever I want to. Then what is to stop us? Where is that moral compass that leads us into the right decision when you are faced with this? I have found that with the girl I am currently dating. She fulfills me like no one has. I don't have that urge to cheat and I haven't had that feeling for close to a year. I'm not saying that she is the one, or that I am completely done with dating, but if this was it, I'd be fine with it. Matter of fact, I'd be happy with that. Maybe all I needed was a woman I can trust. I need a woman who will put her trust in me. I am old enough and mature enough to take that trust seriously. I hope she is willing to take that leap of faith with me. Time will tell, I guess.

March Madness

So it's been quite some time since I have posted anything. I am still sober (6 months) and now clean, as I have not smoked weed or done any other type of drug since November. It feels good to take a mandatory DOT drug/alcohol test for work and have zeros across the board.

My life feels as if it is ever-changing, ever-evolving. I guess that's a good thing, right? Although, this month has not been good to me. My truck finally had a major problem. I bought that truck with 8 miles on it in October of 2005 and have not had an issue with it since. Until now. Almost $700 later, the damn thing still wont pass smog because of the catalytic converter. I can't bring myself to, nor can I afford to, fix it. A day after getting it from the shop, a baseball smashed in my rear window. They want $450 to replace it. And so, it remains parked in my parents' garage. In the meantime, I am borrowing my dad's work truck that gets about 30 feet to the gallon. Talk about going green,

My washer that was included in the purchase of my home decided that, since I have only had it for 9 months, it would take a shit. I am left with no washer and a pile of dirty clothing that is slowly turning into a very large mound. Again, too poor and/or cheap to buy a new one.

My boxer got a cut on her cornea, commonly know in the veterinary world as a "Boxer Ulcer." Boxer eyes have difficulty repairing themselves, thus leading to more serious problems. After taking her to the vet twice (at the cost of over $250!), I decided to take her to a specialist. The day before I was to take her, I noticed that her eye was not bothering her. I cancelled the appointment to see if it was, in fact, beginning to heal. It has been over two weeks, and I am happy to say, it has not returned! Finally, some good news!

Now to the "relationship" part. I have no idea what is going on. I am still dating the same chick, but it seems as if overnight, something has changed. I can't put my finger on it. I always thought and felt as if I was a relationship guy. After my divorce, I felt as if I needed to get into a relationship to help cope. I did. It failed. Then my next real relationship, SHE broke my heart by saying it was getting to serious (after she told me she was falling in love with me the day before). I knew she had some commitment issues, but that was a bit extreme. Then I started to jump around from lilly pad to lilly pad, never wanting to stay anywhere too long. Avoiding "the talk" at all cost. Then this chick came along.

She is so sweet, so genuine, so honest, so drop-dead gorgeous, I thought to myself there is no way this chick is for real. She continually proves me wrong. I find myself thinking about her all day. We started off so hot, so passionate. The sex was incredible, spontaneous and extremely satisfying. As of late, however, we don't have it as often. In my younger years, I would shrug this off as nothing. Post-marriage, though, this throws up a huge flag. I am totally certain that she is not the type of person to lie, cheat or any crap like that. I just cant help but start to build up a wall again, as to not get hurt again. I don't want to, but it feels like we are starting to drift apart. I guess we'll see what happens. Hoping this is just a funk we find ourselves in.

I know what you're thinking: It's not always about sex. Wrong. Sex is what makes or breaks a relationship. If you're not getting it on consistently, little things begin to become big problems. If you are having sex (any sex is good sex) on a consistent basis, little things roll off your back. Believe me. I had experience in this. My relationship with my ex-wife was something else... Not gonna get into it, but let's just say she fucked me up.

New Year's Eve...

Here we are, 11:30ish pm and 2012 staring me in the (tired and heavy) eyes. So much has changed with how I am ringing in 2012 this year, compared to last year. 2011 started out with me still dealing with the pain of a break-up and not knowing what to do. I spent New Year's Eve last year getting drunk at my apartment alone until my friend came over and we played drunken board games. We then did the drunken hook-up thing. Way to ring in the new year with a bang...

I was hanging out with a different chick that I knew was trouble, and sure enough, proved it over and over again. I was practically stalked by this nutcase... Its unproven, but I think she is responsible for smashing my roommate's truck's window (after mistakenly smashing HIS window and not mine)...

I started to spend more and more time with a girl I kinda knew beginning at the halfway point of the year. It has progressively turned into what, I guess, you could call a relationship. We've met each other's families. Mine loves her and I'm pretty sure hers thinks I'm ok...

I have completely stopped drinking, and I now find myself over four months sober and I haven't really looked back. It has gotten easier and easier to stay away from the beer and booze that had been my crutch for so long. I have moved my addiction to something else: exercise...

I started to run and progressively moved into cycling. I bought myself a Specialized road bike and have REALLY gotten into this sport. I ride about 4 times a week, about 20-25 miles a ride. I am training for a triathlon, but have found I get the most joy out of the cycling and am starting to look into solely cycling events, as well. I have never been happier with how I look than I am right now, although, you won't see me walking around without a shirt on just yet...

I am looking forward to the possibilities and opportunities that await me in 2012, and I am excited to face any and all challenges! Lets go, 2012... Try your best!

Over 10 Weeks!

I have not had any alcohol for over 10 weeks! I am feeling great, too!!! Been working out 6 days a week in preparation for my upcoming triathlon. Gotta run! ...and swim... and cycle...

My New Goal

For the past month or so, I have been training for a triathlon. One of my best friends, Dr. Ryan, is training along side me. The goal is to complete the Coronado Island Triathlon in the middle of March. Beginning Monday, we are following an extremely hardcore training program to get us set. It is a 12 week program that will end before the event, but get us more than prepared to complete and compete in that triathlon. Since I have turned 30, I have become obsessed with being in shape. I am over 5 weeks sober with no alcohol in my near future. I am on dietary supplements, so the no alcohol is good for my liver. Baseball season just ended for me, so a way for me to stay in shape for the off-season is this. Just wait! We'll be tracking our progress all the way up to the event. We may start up a new blog just for this! I'll keep this up to date!

My 30s...

BLAH! I turned 30 today. No more 20s... Its a sad, sad day for me...

I'm Stuck On This Song/Artist!