Cheating

I don't know why, but the topic of cheating has been in my head for the past few days. If you don't know me or my story, I'll run down (briefly) my experiences with this topic. Firstly, I was married to a woman I thought was my soulmate. I knew what I was doing when I married her, and if I had the chance to do it again, I still would have. The problem is we were together at such a young age, and married at such a young age, that we weren't able to be adults first. We ended up growing into different people who just plain and simply do not belong together. If I were to meet my ex-wife on the street today, I know I wouldn't even think about dating her. Fuck her, maybe... Ok, probably. The thing is, we just aren't right for each other. Why, then, if we know who we are with is wrong for us, do we continue to stay in a dead-end relationship? Someone always ends up hurt. I, for one, was on the wrong end of that hurt with her. I won't get into particulars, but she had cheated on me multiple times with multiple people, most of which I knew on a somewhat personal level. We continuously tried to work things out, but it got too much. After finding out she cheated on me, I did the same. It is something I am in no way proud of. It is shameful to admit that I stooped to her level, but I needed to get what I was not getting at home. However, I mostly did it to get back at her. The girls that I cheated on her with meant nothing to me, and I thought about her the entire time. After the divorce, I began dating a girl that was a party animal, smoker and borderline alcoholic. There was little romance that happened in this relationship, however. After a few months of "dating" she admitted one morning that she had made-out with someone she had met at the bar the night before. I wasn't as surprised as I was more consumed with why I am on the shit-end of the stick. Again. A few relationships/dating partners later, I decided that I was going to be in control of my own destiny. I became someone I really am not. I womanized, I drank to excess every night, I smoked constantly. I started seeing a girl I will refer to as "American Idol." Now American Idol was young. As in 19 or 20. I was 28/29 at the time. She wanted so badly to be a couple. I saw how much I knew she was falling for me, yet I became even more of an asshole. I saw her as my ex-wife and I was getting back at her. Looking back, I feel extremely bad for American Idol. She wanted nothing more than to make me happy. I would text her to come over, she would. We would have sex and then I would send her back home. After she got me another beer, lit my cigarette and made me a sandwich, of course. The thing is, she would do it. Then I wouldn't call or text her for two or three weeks, all the while, fucking other girls. We had a loose commitment to each other. She was devoted to me and I would only text or call if I wanted sex. She really is a sweet girl. She was fun to hang out with and it does kinda hurt to know that I hurt her so badly. I fucked her up for any dude that follows. I'll be punished with a daughter, for sure. American Idol's situation wasn't really cheating, but it was close enough because I knew how she felt about me, yet I still did things behind her back with no remorse or sympathy to her feelings. The old adage is "once a cheater, always a cheater." I'm not sure I believe this. I know that it is definitely easier to cheat once you have. I feel like I can do it, if I ever wanted to, whenever I want to. Then what is to stop us? Where is that moral compass that leads us into the right decision when you are faced with this? I have found that with the girl I am currently dating. She fulfills me like no one has. I don't have that urge to cheat and I haven't had that feeling for close to a year. I'm not saying that she is the one, or that I am completely done with dating, but if this was it, I'd be fine with it. Matter of fact, I'd be happy with that. Maybe all I needed was a woman I can trust. I need a woman who will put her trust in me. I am old enough and mature enough to take that trust seriously. I hope she is willing to take that leap of faith with me. Time will tell, I guess.