Trike Project: Breakdown

Alright, so I took apart the trike a few days ago and ran into a bit of a snag. Originally, the plan was to take it apart, sand down the chrome, paint the frame blue and the fenders white. I was going to leave the front end and handlebars chrome. After taking it all apart, I realized that there is a lot more rust than previously anticipated. I think that the best way to do this project will not be the easiest (or the cheapest!). Ouch. The frame, I think, will now be powder coated blue, since they have to sandblast before hand, which will get rid of all the surface rust. Better for the long term, worse for my wallet. Since I will be powder coating the frame, I might as well powder coat the fenders, handlebars and front end white. It'll look way cooler. I think that anything that would be chrome on that bike would just look stock, so I might as well go for the gold (or Dodger Blue and white!). I already received my new hand grips, in blue, so on white handlebars, they'll pop. I have a blue chain that will replace the standard black/metal colored one. I have a horn that I have yet to decide what to do with. I got my new seat in the mail, but they sent me a green velour one, rather than a blue one as ordered. Luckily, I am not on a tight deadline...yet. New whitewall tires are on their way, and I am debating whether or not to powder coat the 68 spoke rims blue. I have round mirrors that are on their way as well. Of course, they have blue reflectors on 'em. My new pedals should be here within a few days, so we're off and running. Hopefully, this project will be completed by the completion date I have set of March 14, 2010. Time will tell...

I'm not going to go on a long diatribe about the genius of James Cameron or the visually stunning effects in the film Avatar, but I will, however, give credit where credit is due. I finally broke down and attended a viewing of Avatar: IMAX 3D at my local movie house. Going into it, I was a skeptic. I figured this was a film that has been caught up in the Hollywood buzz machine and everyone was drinking the Kool-Aid. I was actually surprised that not only did I not hate the film, but that I was completely engulfed in the visual aspects of Pandora and beyond. The story was not the most creative (think Dances With Wolves on a different planet), but visually, it was stunning. I enjoyed the film immensely, even though I really can't stand James Cameron. He has made some shit movies. Titanic was horrible. I only saw it in the theater twice because I was in love with this girl Megan. I went twice to see that shit movie. It's embarrassing to even say that. But Megan was beautiful, and I would have done anything for/with her. Let's look at a few others. Terminator I and II. OK, OK. Those were amazing. Alien. Shit, that was a good one too. Alright. Maybe it's just that stupid boat movie, but still... If you are one of the ten people in the world to have not seen Avatar, I urge you to see it in 3D. It is breathtaking and awe-inspiring. Well done, Cameron. Well done.

My Trike Project- Part 1

So over the weekend, I started looking for a lowrider trike. I wanted one to take to Glendale, AZ, when we go out for the Dodgers Spring Training Camp. I thought by picking up a cool, rare bike, I could stand out in the crowd. A few cans of paint here & a polish there, I will have a nice Dodger-themed bike. So I found this one on craigslist. They were asking $200, so I figured I could talk them down. While talking to the man selling it, it turns out he is trying to sell stuff to build a motorcycle. I told him I had a bunch of parts, so I took them down to his house. He picked out a few parts, he gave me the bike, and the deal was done...

I will keep this updated as to all the customizations that will be going on. Pics and details to follow...

Late Night Controversy

Having been an avid "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" I was stoked when NBC announced he would be taking over the "Tonight Show" for the unfunny Jay Leno. Let's face the facts: Jay Leno is not funny, at all. If he was, his show at 10 pm would be marginally successful. He is a corporate lackey that would do anything the NBC heads say. He is a soulless shill and he lacks originality. Don't his "bits" and "jokes" sound oddly like others I have heard before (**cough**cough** Howard Stern**cough**cough**). His total disrespect to his followers and fans shows that he is just an empty and vapid shell of an entertainer. He is a recycling center for jokes. The worst part is, he doesn't give ANYONE credit for creating the bits, that, by the way, are completely watered down and unfunny.

Conan is an original talent that has been a successful WRITER of jokes on shows such as "Saturday Night Live" and "The Simpsons"... ever heard of them? Yeah, me too. His show is fresh, funny and new. His jokes are ones that sneak up on you. Ones that may leave you thinking for a few moments and then BOOM- I get it!

NBC's move to drop all primetime dramas to put an hour long "comedy" show put actual GOOD shows off the air. "Southland" may have been one of the best dramas I have ever seen (of course, my dad was an LAPD police officer for 20 years, so I may be a little biased). Luckily, TNT has recognized the fact that it was critically acclaimed and had a rising fan base, so they picked it up. I look forward to it starting back up on January 12 at 10 pm, as I have already updated my Tivo for it's season pass.

Here's my opinion on what to do for NBC: Let Jay go already. I know that getting your dicks sucked and your asses kissed is all nice and everything, but get over it. That's what you have your personal assistants for. Conan has not even been given a fair shake. It takes time to build up solid numbers. You can't make a decision like this after seven months. Maybe Conan is right- Maybe you guys hired Gary Busey as the new head of programming. Here is a link to the official statement made by Conan O'Brien:

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/conan-o-brien-quits-tonight-show--911

Please support Conan. If Jay wins, we all lose. Trust me. I've seen 5 minutes of his show.

Insomnia... My Fortress of Solitude?

I have always taken a good night's sleep for granted. I remember when I was in High School, on weekends, I could stay up until 5 in the morning and sleep until the early evening. I could go to sleep at 10 pm and still, I could sleep until the early evening. I think what I did between my adolescence and my late teen years could very well be classified as hibernation. Now, I consider myself lucky to get a full, uninterrupted, six hours of sleep. Over the last few days, I have found myself getting less and less. It culminated into a whopping 2 hours last night. I was exhausted all day yesterday from the previous night's 4 1/2 hours, so I figured I'd be out by the time my head hit the pillow last night. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

It all began the night before last. I think I need a new pillow. This is something that crosses my mind every night, just before I head off to dreamy dream land. However, the next morning, neck and shoulders aching, I go on with my day. I could not get comfortable that night. With the help of my bulldog using my pillow lengthwise as a bed and snoring like a grizzly, and my boxer bucking convention and sleeping across the bed, I was able to have around 2 square feet of real estate to slumber. This, obviously, will not work for me, as I am a very "healthy" sized man. The dilemma I found myself in is the fact that I have let my dogs get away with murder. I have, essentially, created monsters. My Frankensteins. My nightmare. Once the dogs get comfortable, I have a hard time moving them from their chosen sleeping spots. I have to adjust to them. It can be frustrating, but for the last few years, it is how it's been. I've gotten used to it. However, that night, I could not. I tossed and turned on my little 2 square foot island, surrounded by a sea of snoring, and comfortable, puppies. My night was a waste.

After a sub-par sleep, having a busy day is no fun, as you can imagine. My day, however, was just not that. It felt it was, although I did nothing but relax. No work around the house. No running errands. No purse shopping at the mall. I could feel sleep creeping it's way to my brain around 7:30 pm. Sweet. Just what the doctor ordered. Fighting it while on the couch, I continued to watch TV. Around 8:30, I succumbed to the sleep, as I was crashed out on the couch. I woke up around 10 pm. All of us were asleep. I helped take all the dogs to the bed, and they crashed out again. I however, was not so lucky. I had been teased by that little bastard we know as sleep. I spent the next four hours laying in bed, wide-eyed and totally awake. I couldn't take it. My eyes hurt from lack of sleep, but I could not keep them closed. I moved myself into the living room to try my luck at crashing out on the couch. I turned on the TV. I stared into the screen like a mental patient. Nothing. If anything, I was becoming MORE awake. Can this be possible?! Tossing. Turning. I couldn't understand it. Why? I had a glass of whiskey. Didn't work. I beat off. That didn't work, and, actually, had the opposite effect. I always thought that if you masturbated before bed, you would sleep better, and have great dreams. Apparently not. After two MORE hours (now 4 am) I finally fell asleep. Dreams after a long stint of insomnia can really freak you out. I usually never remember my dreams, but these ones freaked me out. I won't go into much detail, but I was thoroughly weirded out. In my dream, I was facing a crude bomb someone had rigged up to my house. The clock began to beep, the time was up. I tried to stop it, but it was just my snooze button. My alarm was going off, and it was 6 am. Hopefully tonight, I can fall asleep.

Testicles?! Really, God?!

Balls. Sack. Apple bag. Tea bag. Nuts. Call 'em what you will. God's mistake is what I call them. Come on. There is a serious defect with "man" having a swinging sack between his legs. Look at the woman. Beautiful, perfectly designed. The man is just this lump of skin with a smaller lump of skin just hanging from it. It was like in the design process, one of God's little elves told God "Hey, what about these extra parts?" God said "Oh, shit! I forgot. Just slap 'em on somewhere."

They are horrible. They hang in the heat. They shrink in the cold. They stick to your leg. They get in the way. My life seems to revolve around making sure my nuts are comfortable. Not to mention the fact that they have the appearance of little punching bags. I have been hit in the nuts numerous times by chicks, baseballs and once, by my taylor. No one (women especially) seems to give the testicles their respect. I wish women had something that hurts as bad as getting hit in the nuts on them. "It hurts when I get hit in the boob." Bull shit. Does it hurt so bad that your stomach gets in knots and you feel like throwing up lunch minutes later? No. It doesn't.

Don't get me wrong, people getting hit in the nuts is funny. Really funny. But it is also the reason that I wear a cup to play softball. I don't need my nuts to be the butt of a joke or the reason people are laughing while I roll around in excruciating pain. Why can't they be in somewhere IN my body? Is it really necessary that they hang from beneath my dick? It's like having a weather vane between my legs. "What's the weather like where you're at, Jim?" "Hold on. Let me check my nuts. Damn. It's cold here. My balls told me so."

The "Rolling Stone: Decade In Review" Review

I always have a mixed feeling when I get a magazine with a "Year In Review" article, or worse yet, "Decade In Review." I was in the grocery store at about 11 pm the other night, when I came across "Rolling Stone" magazine. I have always loved RS, although they do pick horrible music and pan amazing music. I always take what they say with a grain of salt. Curious as to see what their choices for "50 Best Songs Of The Decade," I purchased the magazine. I'm just going to talk about the top ten, as the rest is pretty much white noise. I get that they aren't going to put songs in the top 50 that are good, but with no commercial success. I'll take that into account...

1. "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley
I have to say, I may oddly agree with this. Let's be honest, there was a lot of music that came out between 2000 and 2009, but this song stands up. Cee-Lo's vocals and Danger Mouse's beats are infectious. The beat is amazing. The lyrics are great. The execution is right on. It has staying power, which says a lot, given the era this came out. Plus, I have heard two covers of this song. One by Ray LaMontagne and one by Shawn Colvin. Colvin's is good, but LaMontagne's is absolutely amazing. I actually agree with this choice on a lot of levels.

2. "99 Problems" by Jay-Z
This is pushing it as #2, but it definitely belongs in the top 10. Just a great song.

3. "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce featuring Jay-Z
Maybe for the clubs, or just because the video, but this has no place in the top 50, let alone the top 10. Now someone is smoking crack...

4. "Hey Ya" by Outkast
This makes sense. It is a song no one could avoid, and it actually had an effect on me much like a bad commercial. You like it at first. Then you hate it. Then you really hate it. Then you hear it after a while, and you kinda like it. Plus, Obidiah Parker's version of this is nothing short of amazing. He gave it new life, as it sounds nothing like the original!

5. "Paper Planes" by M.I.A.
Pushing it for the top 10, but again, surprisingly, I agree with this. It's a song that when you hear it, you can't help but rock your head to the beat and do a little hand gun action...

6. "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes
The first one I may disagree with, as far as placement goes. This is a SOLID number 2, and I am not talking about poop. If any song should be at number 1 other than "Crazy" this is it. So simple. So rock. So good.

7. "Maps" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Are you fucking kidding me? This song sucks. I mean REALLY sucks. The band sucks. The song sucks. No one listens to them except some seventeen year old cutter between Twilight movies. You got this one wrong, Rolling Stone. WAY wrong.

8. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse
I love this song. The beat is infectious, the lyrics are ironic and campy, it was a pop sensation, she's an absolute train wreck. It has all the ingredients for an amazing song. I can't believe they put this song this low. In my opinion, top 5 for sure. The album "Back To Black" is fantastic, start to finish. It should be higher on Rolling Stone's list of Top 50 Albums Of The Decade too.

9. "Beautiful Day" by U2
Who's dick is Bono smoking to get his band all this praise? U2 sucks. They are corporate shills on the take. Their music is beyond subpar. I can walk into any Guitar Center in this great land, and hear 10 people that could make better music than those holier-than-thou douchebags. Seriously, can you play me one song that warrants me calling the guitar player The Edge? The Edge of what? Shit music, maybe... Bad call. U2 is the worst band in the history of music. Go fuck yourself Bono. Go fuck yourself "Edge." Go fuck yourselves, um, other guys in the band...

10. "Stan" by Eminem
This is top 5, no question. I think Eminem reinvented, or at least reintroduced rap to the masses. Thank God! I grew up with Dr. Dre, 2Pac, Snoop, N.W.A., Biggie. Then it all went south. Finally someone started rapping about real shit, not all the decadent bullshit from a future Celebrity Rehabber. This song is amazing deserves to be higher on the list.

Maybe on another post I will give you my list of the Top 10 Songs Of The Decade. Who knows.

BTW- Bono, you're an asshole.

Shitting, Porn Stars & Tacos

Why is it so taboo to talk about dropping a deuce? I mean, everyone does it. It's gross, I know, but stay with me. I think toilet humor is funny. Jokes and conversations that involve shitting IS funny. Farting is funny. I'm not asking for an in depth conversation about your shit, but if something along those lines comes up in conversation, it should be discussed as if we were talking about the Dodgers or the weather, right?! Although, it is really funny if a conversation takes a turn towards shitting and someone is uncomfortable. I think it adds to the humor... All I am saying is that if I want to talk about the last shit I took while enjoying dinner at an Olive Garden or a Pizzeria Uno, I should be able to do so without fear of being classified as "gross."

Porn stars are really doing God's work. I will make the assumption that more than half the American population watches and enjoys porn, but society makes us, or tries to make us, feel ashamed about it. Hey, we're just trying to get our rocks off. Why should we, as a society, chastise the women who are responsible for getting us off. I think they should be held in high regard! These women are on the sexual frontlines, battling sexual repression, and allowing their bodies to be exposed to fat, disgusting men while they do vile things to their sexual organs. I mean, really. Come on people. Let's stand up and thank some of these women. They have kept me entertained for more than half my life. Except the ones that do gross shit... That's just sick.

Taco bell is good. Del Taco is better. When I am high as a kite and craving some serious fake, authentic, reproductions of Mexican food, I go to Del Taco. Let's face the facts:
1. Del Tacos are almost all 24 hours
2. Del Taco serves breakfast all day. I don't order it, but it's nice to know I could.
3. 1/2 lb bean and cheese with red sauce. 'Nuf said.
4. Del Taco is closer to my house. Plus, I pass another one on my way home from my dealers house... Win, Win.
If you disagree with this list, than fuck you. You obviously have not stared into a 1/2 lb bean and cheese with red sauce at 3:30 in the morning, higher than shit.

New Years Resolution...

I have found that New Years resolutions never work, that is, unless it's not to talk to an ex-girlfriend or to never take acid again, or something along those lines. I have stood strong against making these unrealistic goals. After all, if you don't set goals, you'll never be disappointed. I have made this my New Years resolution: If anyone tells me their resolution, I will punch them in the dick. I really could care less about what your New Years resolution is, moreover, I could care less if you lose that extra 15 pounds or if you travel to Europe. I actually like you with that extra 15 on you. It makes me look better. If I was to come up with some bullshit goal, I wouldn't tell you about it. I mean, I Twitter, I Facebook, I blog. That's about as far as I go with my narcissism. I know no one cares about my aphony about how I want to help people, or how I "need" to get into shape. I'm not saying I am happy with how I look, but I am not under the delusion that anyone wants to hear about it. So that is it. If you have a goal, keep it to yourself. Don't bore anyone with the details of your pipe dreams. No one gives a flying fuck. Do me a favor. Go kill yourself. That would make my resolution THAT MUCH EASIER. If you keep your goal to yourself it will be easier, and not as embarrassing for you, when you don't keep up with the resolution come March 1...

In The Beginning...

Being the first blog post for me on here (my blogs were originally done on myspace), I figured I will start from the beginning. I haven't blogged in sometime, and I figured it is about time to expose the world to my mind again! Look out world! Nothing will be safe here. No one will be safe. Earmuff the kids. This blog is going to be whatever is on my mind! Random thoughts, as well as many a well-thought-out thesis. Watch out world: I'm coming for you!