Saturday, October 30, 2010
A Letter To A Friend
Dear Friend,
I'm not gonna lie, the last few days have been some of the roughest days I have had to endure in a long time. It was tragically unexpected for me and I feel confused and a little lost. To be honest with you, I don't want it like this. I've tried to hide my hurt by drowning it out in alcohol, but it's not working. I can't get you out of my thoughts; out of my heart. I know it was such a short period of time but, damn, it was great. The laughs. The great times we had. Even the pain. If I could go back and do it again, I would without even thinking twice about it. Even if going back I still had to relive this pain, I would. You mean that much to me. It would be so worth it. I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but my tears and the pain are clouding my thoughts. Of course, every song I hear reminds me of you and the good times we had. This is rough.
Truly,
Matt
I'm not gonna lie, the last few days have been some of the roughest days I have had to endure in a long time. It was tragically unexpected for me and I feel confused and a little lost. To be honest with you, I don't want it like this. I've tried to hide my hurt by drowning it out in alcohol, but it's not working. I can't get you out of my thoughts; out of my heart. I know it was such a short period of time but, damn, it was great. The laughs. The great times we had. Even the pain. If I could go back and do it again, I would without even thinking twice about it. Even if going back I still had to relive this pain, I would. You mean that much to me. It would be so worth it. I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but my tears and the pain are clouding my thoughts. Of course, every song I hear reminds me of you and the good times we had. This is rough.
Truly,
Matt
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A Change Will Do You Good
It's been a while, and there have been some huge changes in my life. I never expected my life to turn around, as it felt as if I was in a downward spiral. I had been seeing a couple of people, and although they filled a temporary void, they weren't substantial. I felt as if I was just destined to be jumping from one relationship to the next, hoping and wishing for real happiness. Then SHE came into my life! This is a feeling that I haven't felt, nor do I feel I deserve to be as happy as I am when I am with HER. Here's how I met her:
The softball team I currently play on, Robian, was playing in a charity tournament. I was playing in the same tournament, however, I was with my old team, the Scallywags, that got back together just for this event. Robian was short one girl, so the woman running the event gave them a free player that had no team. When I went to go watch them play one of their games, I was smitten by this new player. She was gorgeous. She was athletic. She was sexy. I remember thinking to myself "Who is the chick in the Boston hat?!" I talked to Robert (the guy who runs the Robian softball team) and told him that we should get her to play on our team for the regular season. He agreed. Who doesn't want another hot chick on their softball team? He asked her. And asked her. And asked her. She, unfortunately, had agreed to play for another team in the same league. The worst part was that they were the worst team in the league, winning only one game in three seasons. Every time we'd play them, I would tell everyone to make an error on her hits, so she'd be on the bases and I could stare at her. Pathetic, but hey?! What are you gonna do?! She's hot!
After last season, I told Robert to call her again to see if he could convince her to join our team. She agreed and I was the first phone call he made. That was amazing news for me, and I really thought he was just fucking with me. He was not. He put together a day to get together for pizza so we can all give him our paperwork, like IDs and whatnot. She was going to be there... I had to go! This was my opportunity to finally meet her! It all went well. We had a few beers, a couple of laughs, and then we were on our way. Tradition for our team is to go out for pizza and beers after our games, so I knew I would have another opportunity to talk to her. However, almost all the guys on my softball team are single, so I knew I would have to try talking to her before anyone else did!
After our first game we all went out for pizza and beers. I was buzzed. When I am buzzed, the thin filter that I normally have goes away, and shit begins to fly out of my mouth before I can even think about it. She apparently thought I was funny, and we had a great conversation and a good old time just talking bullshit. Then, between her missing a game or two, me missing a game or two, plus holidays where our games are cancelled, I hadn't seen her in weeks. Finally, at a game in September, we were both there. Pizza, beer, hot chick? I'm in!
We ended up laughing the entire time. It was amazing. When she left, we began to text each other. She asked me to meet her at a different bar that same night. I was so excited at the chance to have some one on one time with her. We sat there and joked and laughed. I had such an amazing night! The icing on the cake was that when we walked out, I was telling her good night and we kissed. Bombs going off next to me couldn't move me away from her lips. I'm not trying to sound all gay and mushy, but it was amazing.
A few days later, we decided we were going to hang out again. This was going to be great. I wanted to make it memorable, so I decided that we should take a motorcycle ride. I love riding my motorcycle and she had never been on one, so it was perfect! I think she had fun... I know I did.
We have been hanging out quite a bit lately. I never expected or wanted to get into a "relationship," but sometimes you can't help it. She is someone who makes me feel like no one ever has before. I can't explain it, really. She makes me laugh. She makes me smile all the time, which is rare, because I haven't had that in so long. I just feel so comfortable in my own skin when I am with her. I don't have to be someone else when I'm with her. She likes me (I think!) for who I am and for some reason thinks I am marginally funny. I am excited to see where this leads to...
The softball team I currently play on, Robian, was playing in a charity tournament. I was playing in the same tournament, however, I was with my old team, the Scallywags, that got back together just for this event. Robian was short one girl, so the woman running the event gave them a free player that had no team. When I went to go watch them play one of their games, I was smitten by this new player. She was gorgeous. She was athletic. She was sexy. I remember thinking to myself "Who is the chick in the Boston hat?!" I talked to Robert (the guy who runs the Robian softball team) and told him that we should get her to play on our team for the regular season. He agreed. Who doesn't want another hot chick on their softball team? He asked her. And asked her. And asked her. She, unfortunately, had agreed to play for another team in the same league. The worst part was that they were the worst team in the league, winning only one game in three seasons. Every time we'd play them, I would tell everyone to make an error on her hits, so she'd be on the bases and I could stare at her. Pathetic, but hey?! What are you gonna do?! She's hot!
After last season, I told Robert to call her again to see if he could convince her to join our team. She agreed and I was the first phone call he made. That was amazing news for me, and I really thought he was just fucking with me. He was not. He put together a day to get together for pizza so we can all give him our paperwork, like IDs and whatnot. She was going to be there... I had to go! This was my opportunity to finally meet her! It all went well. We had a few beers, a couple of laughs, and then we were on our way. Tradition for our team is to go out for pizza and beers after our games, so I knew I would have another opportunity to talk to her. However, almost all the guys on my softball team are single, so I knew I would have to try talking to her before anyone else did!
After our first game we all went out for pizza and beers. I was buzzed. When I am buzzed, the thin filter that I normally have goes away, and shit begins to fly out of my mouth before I can even think about it. She apparently thought I was funny, and we had a great conversation and a good old time just talking bullshit. Then, between her missing a game or two, me missing a game or two, plus holidays where our games are cancelled, I hadn't seen her in weeks. Finally, at a game in September, we were both there. Pizza, beer, hot chick? I'm in!
We ended up laughing the entire time. It was amazing. When she left, we began to text each other. She asked me to meet her at a different bar that same night. I was so excited at the chance to have some one on one time with her. We sat there and joked and laughed. I had such an amazing night! The icing on the cake was that when we walked out, I was telling her good night and we kissed. Bombs going off next to me couldn't move me away from her lips. I'm not trying to sound all gay and mushy, but it was amazing.
A few days later, we decided we were going to hang out again. This was going to be great. I wanted to make it memorable, so I decided that we should take a motorcycle ride. I love riding my motorcycle and she had never been on one, so it was perfect! I think she had fun... I know I did.
We have been hanging out quite a bit lately. I never expected or wanted to get into a "relationship," but sometimes you can't help it. She is someone who makes me feel like no one ever has before. I can't explain it, really. She makes me laugh. She makes me smile all the time, which is rare, because I haven't had that in so long. I just feel so comfortable in my own skin when I am with her. I don't have to be someone else when I'm with her. She likes me (I think!) for who I am and for some reason thinks I am marginally funny. I am excited to see where this leads to...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Adjusting To The "Single Life"
It has been quite a few months now since my ex split up with me. I must admit, being thrown into the "single world" this late in my life is so strange. I mean, I was with her since I was 17 and now in two months I will be turning 29. Never have I been so lost. I don't know how to "date." I am not really enjoying the new direction my life has taken. To be honest, the stuff that hurts the most is the stuff no one ever talks about when discussing relationships. I miss coming "home" to someone. I miss them coming "home" to me. I miss someone in bed with me, even though we rarely cuddled up to each other (we had four dogs in the bed, what do you expect?!). I miss my best friend. I wish stuff didn't happen the way it did.
I think one of the hardest things I am dealing with is the fact that she is already seeing someone. After more than 11 years, it took less than 3 weeks for her to find someone. I know who it is, and I can't help but think that something may/did happen between them while we were still together. Maybe it's just my mind fucking with me. All I know is that I really don't like this. I just like the comfort of sharing life with someone special. Laughing at stupid shit. Hanging out. Going to dinner. Shit like that. Anyways, that is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night, hence the post at 1:45 in the morning.
Anyways, that's it. Trying to keep my head above water...
I think one of the hardest things I am dealing with is the fact that she is already seeing someone. After more than 11 years, it took less than 3 weeks for her to find someone. I know who it is, and I can't help but think that something may/did happen between them while we were still together. Maybe it's just my mind fucking with me. All I know is that I really don't like this. I just like the comfort of sharing life with someone special. Laughing at stupid shit. Hanging out. Going to dinner. Shit like that. Anyways, that is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night, hence the post at 1:45 in the morning.
Anyways, that's it. Trying to keep my head above water...
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
My New Life
They say that breaking up is hard to do. Man, some cliches just got it right. It's not the breaking up with somebody that is just hard (although that is a major part of it), but rather, the separation of two lives that were intertwined for so long. My relationship with my ex lasted over 11 years. I remember the first time I met her that she was the woman I wanted to be with. I was 17 and I had no idea what a long-term relationship, let alone marriage, meant. We dated for about 5 years and got married. The marriage lasted for almost 7 years until earlier this year, she decided that it was over. Don't get me wrong, I forced her into her decision because I am a stubborn person who only wants to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I gave little to no thought about her feelings, which is why I find myself in this situation.
I was laid off from work in June of 2009, and have spent the last 10 months on unemployment. I never thought that, being under 30, it would be so hard to find a job. Given this economic climate that America and the world has found itself, jobs were a valued piece of life, and those who had them weren't giving them up. Turnover for every company has tanked, as people refuse to leave their jobs. Even fast food restaurants (which notoriously have ridiculous turnover rates) have almost bottomed out. The fact of the matter is that I lost my job, and no jobs were opening up. Fuck me. This week, however, I finally got hired at a major home improvement warehouse running their outside garden department. Before my last job that is what I did, so I am excited to start a new job where I require no training, and, in fact, have experience and a wealth of knowledge in.
One of the hardest things to deal after a break up, especially after such a long time, is dealing with mutual friends. Or should I say people I THOUGHT were mutual friends. People's loyalty always shows through during times like this. I have lost a lot of people that I enjoyed hanging out with, and it's obvious now that my friendship was just to stay in close with my ex. Ulterior motives... Sitting there like innocent shoulders to cry on and listen, when they are really trying to get with an emotional vulnerable woman. It's some sick shit, but I am a true believer in karma, and she is one bad bitch.
I have now found myself in a sort of limbo state. I am single, but I am not dating. I know I am not ready emotionally, physically or financially to be in a relationship. I was raised with manners, and although I am an asshole a lot of the time, those manners do show through. I open doors for women, I always say "thank you," and I always tip high and treat my servers with respect. I fear, however, that people see this as me having ulterior motives, and they think I am full of shit. That bums me out, because I know that somewhere in me is just a nice guy who has a hardened exterior because of my last relationship. I am not blaming my ex, though. We both changed, and we became two people who hated being with each other. That's no way to live, especially in a marriage.
I am not bitter, nor am I hateful towards my ex. She and I shared almost half our lives together, and she will always own a huge piece in my heart. She'll never know this, because I would never tell her, but that is the truth. I know, however that the piece of my heart that she owns will never get in the way of any relationship that comes after. That is just something I know about myself. I truly wish her the best. I hope she finds someone that completes her life and makes her happy. I'm not going to lie, it will feel weird to see her at first dating someone else, but I know that she deserves to be happy. She put up with a lot of shit for a long time, and she deserves to be happy. I feel like I do too, but I am not sure when, if ever, that will happen. I am holding out hope that I will meet that person that completes me and makes me happy. Maybe I haven't met her yet. Maybe I have met her already. No way of knowing yet, but no matter what, I do know she is a Dodgers fan.
I was laid off from work in June of 2009, and have spent the last 10 months on unemployment. I never thought that, being under 30, it would be so hard to find a job. Given this economic climate that America and the world has found itself, jobs were a valued piece of life, and those who had them weren't giving them up. Turnover for every company has tanked, as people refuse to leave their jobs. Even fast food restaurants (which notoriously have ridiculous turnover rates) have almost bottomed out. The fact of the matter is that I lost my job, and no jobs were opening up. Fuck me. This week, however, I finally got hired at a major home improvement warehouse running their outside garden department. Before my last job that is what I did, so I am excited to start a new job where I require no training, and, in fact, have experience and a wealth of knowledge in.
One of the hardest things to deal after a break up, especially after such a long time, is dealing with mutual friends. Or should I say people I THOUGHT were mutual friends. People's loyalty always shows through during times like this. I have lost a lot of people that I enjoyed hanging out with, and it's obvious now that my friendship was just to stay in close with my ex. Ulterior motives... Sitting there like innocent shoulders to cry on and listen, when they are really trying to get with an emotional vulnerable woman. It's some sick shit, but I am a true believer in karma, and she is one bad bitch.
I have now found myself in a sort of limbo state. I am single, but I am not dating. I know I am not ready emotionally, physically or financially to be in a relationship. I was raised with manners, and although I am an asshole a lot of the time, those manners do show through. I open doors for women, I always say "thank you," and I always tip high and treat my servers with respect. I fear, however, that people see this as me having ulterior motives, and they think I am full of shit. That bums me out, because I know that somewhere in me is just a nice guy who has a hardened exterior because of my last relationship. I am not blaming my ex, though. We both changed, and we became two people who hated being with each other. That's no way to live, especially in a marriage.
I am not bitter, nor am I hateful towards my ex. She and I shared almost half our lives together, and she will always own a huge piece in my heart. She'll never know this, because I would never tell her, but that is the truth. I know, however that the piece of my heart that she owns will never get in the way of any relationship that comes after. That is just something I know about myself. I truly wish her the best. I hope she finds someone that completes her life and makes her happy. I'm not going to lie, it will feel weird to see her at first dating someone else, but I know that she deserves to be happy. She put up with a lot of shit for a long time, and she deserves to be happy. I feel like I do too, but I am not sure when, if ever, that will happen. I am holding out hope that I will meet that person that completes me and makes me happy. Maybe I haven't met her yet. Maybe I have met her already. No way of knowing yet, but no matter what, I do know she is a Dodgers fan.
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