Adjusting To The "Single Life"

It has been quite a few months now since my ex split up with me. I must admit, being thrown into the "single world" this late in my life is so strange. I mean, I was with her since I was 17 and now in two months I will be turning 29. Never have I been so lost. I don't know how to "date." I am not really enjoying the new direction my life has taken. To be honest, the stuff that hurts the most is the stuff no one ever talks about when discussing relationships. I miss coming "home" to someone. I miss them coming "home" to me. I miss someone in bed with me, even though we rarely cuddled up to each other (we had four dogs in the bed, what do you expect?!). I miss my best friend. I wish stuff didn't happen the way it did.

I think one of the hardest things I am dealing with is the fact that she is already seeing someone. After more than 11 years, it took less than 3 weeks for her to find someone. I know who it is, and I can't help but think that something may/did happen between them while we were still together. Maybe it's just my mind fucking with me. All I know is that I really don't like this. I just like the comfort of sharing life with someone special. Laughing at stupid shit. Hanging out. Going to dinner. Shit like that. Anyways, that is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night, hence the post at 1:45 in the morning.

Anyways, that's it. Trying to keep my head above water...

Poetry. My New Hobby

I woke up this morning still drunk.

My New Life

They say that breaking up is hard to do. Man, some cliches just got it right. It's not the breaking up with somebody that is just hard (although that is a major part of it), but rather, the separation of two lives that were intertwined for so long. My relationship with my ex lasted over 11 years. I remember the first time I met her that she was the woman I wanted to be with. I was 17 and I had no idea what a long-term relationship, let alone marriage, meant. We dated for about 5 years and got married. The marriage lasted for almost 7 years until earlier this year, she decided that it was over. Don't get me wrong, I forced her into her decision because I am a stubborn person who only wants to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I gave little to no thought about her feelings, which is why I find myself in this situation.

I was laid off from work in June of 2009, and have spent the last 10 months on unemployment. I never thought that, being under 30, it would be so hard to find a job. Given this economic climate that America and the world has found itself, jobs were a valued piece of life, and those who had them weren't giving them up. Turnover for every company has tanked, as people refuse to leave their jobs. Even fast food restaurants (which notoriously have ridiculous turnover rates) have almost bottomed out. The fact of the matter is that I lost my job, and no jobs were opening up. Fuck me. This week, however, I finally got hired at a major home improvement warehouse running their outside garden department. Before my last job that is what I did, so I am excited to start a new job where I require no training, and, in fact, have experience and a wealth of knowledge in.

One of the hardest things to deal after a break up, especially after such a long time, is dealing with mutual friends. Or should I say people I THOUGHT were mutual friends. People's loyalty always shows through during times like this. I have lost a lot of people that I enjoyed hanging out with, and it's obvious now that my friendship was just to stay in close with my ex. Ulterior motives... Sitting there like innocent shoulders to cry on and listen, when they are really trying to get with an emotional vulnerable woman. It's some sick shit, but I am a true believer in karma, and she is one bad bitch.

I have now found myself in a sort of limbo state. I am single, but I am not dating. I know I am not ready emotionally, physically or financially to be in a relationship. I was raised with manners, and although I am an asshole a lot of the time, those manners do show through. I open doors for women, I always say "thank you," and I always tip high and treat my servers with respect. I fear, however, that people see this as me having ulterior motives, and they think I am full of shit. That bums me out, because I know that somewhere in me is just a nice guy who has a hardened exterior because of my last relationship. I am not blaming my ex, though. We both changed, and we became two people who hated being with each other. That's no way to live, especially in a marriage.

I am not bitter, nor am I hateful towards my ex. She and I shared almost half our lives together, and she will always own a huge piece in my heart. She'll never know this, because I would never tell her, but that is the truth. I know, however that the piece of my heart that she owns will never get in the way of any relationship that comes after. That is just something I know about myself. I truly wish her the best. I hope she finds someone that completes her life and makes her happy. I'm not going to lie, it will feel weird to see her at first dating someone else, but I know that she deserves to be happy. She put up with a lot of shit for a long time, and she deserves to be happy. I feel like I do too, but I am not sure when, if ever, that will happen. I am holding out hope that I will meet that person that completes me and makes me happy. Maybe I haven't met her yet. Maybe I have met her already. No way of knowing yet, but no matter what, I do know she is a Dodgers fan.

Porn Is Food...And I'm Hungry.

I was thinking about porn today, and I have come to this conclusion: Porn is like food. Seriously. Think of it like this: Everybody eats, but not everybody eats the same thing. Some people like certain foods more than others. Some people like a little of this with a little of that. No matter which way you slice it, people have to eat. Some people would "never watch porn," but to them, a sexy TV show is fine. Everyone needs stimulation whether by looking at beautiful celebrities or listening to sexy music or hardcore porn. People gotta eat. I see the internet as a sort of all-you-can-eat buffet. Unfortunately, I am that obese guy that eats by himself, that just continues to pile food on his plate. There is always something new to taste, a new type of food you may never had heard of. Sometimes, it tastes good and you would like some more. Other times, it is a German scat film that makes you want to throw up. No matter what, everyone has to eat. Could you please point me to the front of the line? I have a plate I need to fill.

Trike Project: Breakdown

Alright, so I took apart the trike a few days ago and ran into a bit of a snag. Originally, the plan was to take it apart, sand down the chrome, paint the frame blue and the fenders white. I was going to leave the front end and handlebars chrome. After taking it all apart, I realized that there is a lot more rust than previously anticipated. I think that the best way to do this project will not be the easiest (or the cheapest!). Ouch. The frame, I think, will now be powder coated blue, since they have to sandblast before hand, which will get rid of all the surface rust. Better for the long term, worse for my wallet. Since I will be powder coating the frame, I might as well powder coat the fenders, handlebars and front end white. It'll look way cooler. I think that anything that would be chrome on that bike would just look stock, so I might as well go for the gold (or Dodger Blue and white!). I already received my new hand grips, in blue, so on white handlebars, they'll pop. I have a blue chain that will replace the standard black/metal colored one. I have a horn that I have yet to decide what to do with. I got my new seat in the mail, but they sent me a green velour one, rather than a blue one as ordered. Luckily, I am not on a tight deadline...yet. New whitewall tires are on their way, and I am debating whether or not to powder coat the 68 spoke rims blue. I have round mirrors that are on their way as well. Of course, they have blue reflectors on 'em. My new pedals should be here within a few days, so we're off and running. Hopefully, this project will be completed by the completion date I have set of March 14, 2010. Time will tell...

I'm not going to go on a long diatribe about the genius of James Cameron or the visually stunning effects in the film Avatar, but I will, however, give credit where credit is due. I finally broke down and attended a viewing of Avatar: IMAX 3D at my local movie house. Going into it, I was a skeptic. I figured this was a film that has been caught up in the Hollywood buzz machine and everyone was drinking the Kool-Aid. I was actually surprised that not only did I not hate the film, but that I was completely engulfed in the visual aspects of Pandora and beyond. The story was not the most creative (think Dances With Wolves on a different planet), but visually, it was stunning. I enjoyed the film immensely, even though I really can't stand James Cameron. He has made some shit movies. Titanic was horrible. I only saw it in the theater twice because I was in love with this girl Megan. I went twice to see that shit movie. It's embarrassing to even say that. But Megan was beautiful, and I would have done anything for/with her. Let's look at a few others. Terminator I and II. OK, OK. Those were amazing. Alien. Shit, that was a good one too. Alright. Maybe it's just that stupid boat movie, but still... If you are one of the ten people in the world to have not seen Avatar, I urge you to see it in 3D. It is breathtaking and awe-inspiring. Well done, Cameron. Well done.

My Trike Project- Part 1

So over the weekend, I started looking for a lowrider trike. I wanted one to take to Glendale, AZ, when we go out for the Dodgers Spring Training Camp. I thought by picking up a cool, rare bike, I could stand out in the crowd. A few cans of paint here & a polish there, I will have a nice Dodger-themed bike. So I found this one on craigslist. They were asking $200, so I figured I could talk them down. While talking to the man selling it, it turns out he is trying to sell stuff to build a motorcycle. I told him I had a bunch of parts, so I took them down to his house. He picked out a few parts, he gave me the bike, and the deal was done...

I will keep this updated as to all the customizations that will be going on. Pics and details to follow...