"Planet Earth"

I watched all the episodes while being laid out following my back surgery almost three years ago. I love that special. I always catch a few minutes of it if I'm channel surfing and it's on. Last night, I thought it would be a good idea to get a little stoned and watch the "Ice Worlds" episode. I can't believe how AMAZING it was! I have such a greater appreciation for it! Now I want to watch all the episodes stoned... Talk about what a mind-blowing experience that would be!

In The Studio...

I am recording today for the first time in a year or so. It's been so long; I am really excited. I am working on an EP just for me. Not really trying to go anywhere with it, I just have some songs that I really want to record. I plan on it being three to four of my original songs plus one or two covers. Today, I am recording one of the cover songs. It'll be good to get it done, although I think today is going to be just a demo-style version. Just me and my Martin acoustic... We'll see how it comes out!

I Know This Feeling. Great Acoustic Version Of This Song Too...

I Think This Is My Theme Song Right Now...

Making Amends...

I treated someone horribly three years ago. It has taken me this long to build up the courage to reach out to her and apologize. I can honestly say that I did not expect the response. I expected nothing. After all, I don't deserve anything from her. I treated her, a friend, with zero respect. I was selfish and did not account for the fact that she is a person with feelings. I did what I wanted to do at the time. The end result was that she was drug into the middle of personal drama with my ex-wife. It wasn't her fault, but I didn't apologize for it.

I had a moment of clarity the other day. I realized that I had apologized to everyone I feel I had wronged in the last 10-plus years, except her. I couldn't. I was embarrassed. I was humiliated. I was ashamed. However, like a true friend, she accepted my apology! I don't deserve to be forgiven by her, but the fact that I am lifts a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I feel so great! I have dwelled on what I did to her everyday. Not a day goes by that I haven't thought about her and what I did. Not a day goes by where I wanted to reach out to her and apologize, but today, I finally did. Goddamn... I should have done this years ago...

Rediscovering A Passion

Given my last few weeks, I have needed something to take my mind off things. Thanks to my ex-brother-in-law, Alex, I have rediscovered a passion that has been out of my life in over 11 years: art. I used to love to sketch/draw/paint/sculpt... Life had just taken me away from that. I always missed it, but never found time to do it. I was too busy being an adult. However, forgetting that if you don't mix in some small passions, life is going to be boring and no good.

A few days ago, I finally put a pencil to paper. What a difference over a decade makes! I love it! The spark has been reignited. All I have been thinking about is my next sketch or my goals for artwork. I have a few! I am so excited to see where my artwork goes! These are two of my sketches from the last few days. The Dia de los Muertos skull I did today and the profile skull is the first thing I sketched in 11 years...

I Had This Song On My iPod And Had Never Heard It! Thanks Pandora! Beautiful...

Desert Weekend... An Escape?

I need to get out of here. I need to get away from shit. I need to lose myself and try to put the past behind me. The hardest thing for me is coming home to an empty house. No dogs, no "girlfriend" or "girl I'm seeing" or whatever. It's not that I depend on people for my happiness, but I actually enjoy being in the presence of a person or small group of friends. Given the week or so I've had, coming home to an empty apartment hurts. I tend to dwell on my thoughts. "What could I have done differently?" and "how could you let her walk out of your life?" are a couple of thoughts that burn in my mind over and over again.

We had plans to go out to Ocotillo Wells this weekend. I was excited for her to see what going to the desert was all about. I knew she would have fun. Me, in turn, would be having fun. I love being out in the desert: riding my dirt bike, drinking, talking bullshit. I always have fun. However, being with someone for their first time is so great. I was really excited... Well, obviously, that isn't going to happen!

I am going anyways. My best friend Doug and I are heading out Friday morning. I need it to keep my mind off of her. Hopefully it helps. Time will tell...

"C'etait Toi" by Billy Joel

"Here I am again

In this smoky place
With my brandy eyes
I'm talking to myself
You were the one
You were the one

Here I go again
Looking for your face
And I realize
That I should look for someone else
But you were the one
You were the one

I'm looking for comfort
That I can take
From someone else
But after all
I know there is no one
That can save me from myself
You were the only one

Me revoici
Dans ce bar enfume
Avec mes yeux iures
Je me parle a moi meme
C'etait toi
C'etait toi

Me revoici
Cherchant ton visage
Et je realise
Que je devrais en chercher une autre
C'etait toi
You were the one

Je recherche l'affection
Qu'une autre pourrait me donner
Mais apres tout
Je sais qu'il n'y a personne
Personne qui puisse me sauver
Tu etais la seule

I'm looking for comfort
That I can take
From someone else
But after all
I know there is no one
That can save me, save me from myself
You were the only one"

Sad, But True... (Except Green Eyes...)

Reconnecting With My Little "Brother"

Last night I was able to do something that I haven't done since my break up with my ex-wife: reconnect with her brother. Alex is one of my favorite people and for the last year, I haven't seen him or spoken with him. I'm not sure if he felt awkward or what. I have known him since he was 8 years old and have watched him grow up. We finally reconnected over some beers at my place. He lives literally down the street from me. We were able to catch up with stuff that has been going on in his life, as well as mine. He actually shed some good light on my current situation that I have been taking really hard. After I spoke with him, I can honestly say I feel better. He gave me some inspiration to get back to some loves of mine that have been out of my life for a long, long time. I am going to paint and draw again. He told me that when we first met, the one thing he remembers is one of my drawings. He said it was so amazing that it is still one of the coolest things he's seen. That has really inspired me to get the pencil to paper and the brush and paints to some canvas. Excited for the possibilities that await me in my rediscovering of art... Keep you posted...

Just Broke Down When I Heard This Queen Song

Still Awake. This Is How I Feel Right Now...

This Song Is Killing Me Right Now...

Too Drunk And Still Drinking...

I am trying to move on. I am trying to get past this heartache and heartbreak. I am dealing with the fact that as much as I want it to be, we were not meant to be right now. The thing is, every song I hear reminds me of you. Every lyric takes my mind to thoughts of you. I am drunk and completely sleep deprived. I haven't slept since Tuesday. I can't even begin to describe how I am feeling, but the booze is helping fill the void. I heard the song below and thought of you. I thought of the things I want to say to you. The song above I heard at work today and I almost lost it.

Drunk & Tired. I Hope This Doesn't Become A Pattern.

Exactly... Perfect Way To Sum It All Up...

"I Could Have Missed The Pain, But Then I'd Have Had To Miss The Dance..."

Every Time I Hear This Song It Reminds Me Of Her...

Trying To Move Past The Heartache...

This Perfectly Describes How I Am Feeling... I Just Want You Back...

Embarrassing, But I'm Just Going To Put It Out There...

I have been tossing and turning all night. The anxiety of what is going to happen today is killing me. I don't want to see HER, but I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to see HER. I just know how hard it is going to be watching HER walk out of my life. I don't want HER to leave but I know that trying to convince HER to stay is against what SHE wants. I am trying to be cool, but I think I am about to hit my breaking point...

I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to walk out of my life. I don't want to go on without you by my side, although I know you need your space. I can do that, however, I don't want you out of my life. I don't want to be out of yours. The way you make me feel is something I can't explain. Its like nothing I have ever felt before and I don't want to lose that feeling.

Was I too nice? Too available? Too much? I know they say that nice guys finish last, and I can't help but agree with that. I did things for you not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. I wasn't putting on a front. I am a nice, honest, genuine person. So here's me being honest... I don't want you to turn your back on something real. I am not saying now. I'm not saying next week. I am just saying that you are walking away from someone who would do anything to make you happy. Anything to make you smile. Anything to take your breath away.

Enough of my embarrassing plea...

I Wish I Could Tell Someone This Right Now

My Last Thoughts On The Subject...

Moving On...

This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I have to walk away from someone who I fell hard for. No one likes to move on in situations like this, but I need to try and keep my head up. I know that, for once, I was myself throughout our "relationship." This is the FIRST time I can say that with 100% honesty. I've always guarded myself and left out parts of my personality. I've changed who I was to be who I thought the other person wanted. Not this time. So now, because of that, I can walk away knowing that I put it all on the table. This is me. Take it or leave it. Unfortunately for me, she left it. I'd like to think that I am a good, decent guy, but its things like this that start to harden my heart. I don't want to be a cynical asshole, but I feel as if I am starting to edge closer and closer to that.

SHE and I had a great time together. Or at least, I did. It felt honest. It felt real. It wasn't forced, or at least thought it wasn't. I guess SHE felt like SHE had to force it. I have my own theories about that, but they'll have to wait for another place or time. Letting HER out of my life is so hard to do. I think about HER all the time. SHE still has a hold on me, and I feel like SHE will for a long time. Something about HER felt like no one else I've ever dated. We connected on so many levels. SHE is exactly what I was looking for and I wasn't even looking. I wasn't trying to get into a relationship or date... It just happened. I guess that's the difference between HER and me- I let things happen without over-thinking it, while, it seems, SHE over-thinks it. That just lead to HER scaring HERSELF.

I am guarded, to a point. I had my heart crushed, stomped on and destroyed by someone I loved. It caused me to put up a cold front so it wouldn't happen again. SHE broke all those walls down in such a short amount of time. It was something so unexpected. I became vulnerable and my heart was exposed. I wish I could say that SHE didn't break my heart, but I can't. SHE did. My heart was hers to do what she wanted. We all know how that ends up. Its not HER fault, though. I understand. I don't blame Her one bit for the pain I am feeling. SHE is an amazing woman and if SHE called me years down the road, I would probably go back. SHE is definitely one in a million. I hope that the guy SHE ends up with realizes just how lucky a son-of-a-bitch he is. SHE is going to make someone extremely happy. Honestly, I just wish it would have been me. Time to try and move on...

The Original Version Is SOOO Much Better!

I Felt Like Writing A Poem Or Two...

Confused

Tell me what's going on,

Tell me what's going wrong.

I feel like I lost you or that I misplaced you,

Even though you're not even gone.

The way you feel on my finger tips,

Caressing you skin so soft.

It makes me realize what I'd be missing,

If truly your heart is lost.

I was hoping this was just a dream,

But confusion seems to reign supreme.

Let Go

What have I done to push you away?

I really need to know.

I know your scared to let down your guard,

But sometimes you should let go.

I know how it feels to build up a wall,

to let no one near your heart.

To shut someone out before they get close,

So they can't break it apart.

You got past the gates that protected my heart,

You raided my soul without even trying.

You tell me the feelings are equally felt,

I hope you're for real and you're not just lying.

Walls

We build them up to keep the unwanted out

We build them high so the unwanted can't see in

We build them to protect what is most precious to us

You've built yours strong, but you must believe

That I am waiting on the other side with my heart on my sleeve.

This Is An Incredible Television Moment...

Make Fun Of Their Looks But, Damn, These Fuckers Can Sing!

The Roller Coaster That Is My Life

Its nights like these that I realize what I have and what I don't; what makes me happy and what doesn't. I realize how miserable I was when I was the old version of me. The married version of me that hated the way I was treated. I hated the condescending tone my ex would take, talking to me like I was a dumb ass. Tonight I had a brief text-conversation with my ex, just to find out that not only has she been withholding mail from me, but also opening it, reading it, then throwing it away. Thanks to this, she has fucked me up. Granted, I should have done the responsible thing and taken care of my tickets but, without the warnings that had come in the mail, they weren't in the forefront of my mind. Now, apparently, my license has been suspended. Awesome. Just when shit was picking up for me, life takes a dump on my head. Now Im starting to stress. I need to take care of this shit ASAP! On a positive note, I had dinner with someone that, hands down, is the hottest woman I have ever dated/hung out with. Score a point for me! At least I have that.

Woke Up To This Song And Thought Of You...

I Really Love This Cover With Two Of My Favorite Singers...

Awesome Cover Version By An Amazing Artist!

My "Say Anything" Moment...

Another Saturday Night...

I don't know what the big deal about Saturday night is. To me, for the most part, it's just another night. Everyone goes out. I usually stay at home. Mostly because I either work the next day or because I am a creature of habit. I much prefer spending the night at home or at a friend's home and relaxing. Call me boring, but hanging out with a friend or a group of friends is way better than going to an over-crowded bar/restaurant/club any night of the week. Plus, since I have my puppies right now, I'd much prefer hanging out with them. That's it.

Dedicating A Song To Someone Special: Just Thinking About You Today...

Things To Do Whilst Drunk: Rock Golfing At Night

Found this video of Doug and me shit-housed drunk and golfing with rocks... Don't knock it till you try it! Its a lot harder than it seems, especially when you're so drunk, you can barely stand! Jajaja!!!

Rock Golf At Night from Matthew Mestas on Vimeo.

Thanks To My Buddy Eddie At Work For Suggesting This...

A Few Random Thoughts...

Why do people wear sunglasses at night? On the same note, the guys who wear sunglasses indoors...what the fuck is that about? God, that bugs the shit out of me. It doesn't make you look cooler by rockin' the shades inside. Go kill yourself.

People have seriously shitty taste in music. How can shit be marketed and sold as "music" when it contains no artistic merit. What happened to artistic integrity? Pride in workmanship? Singer-songwriters? God, what has the music industry come to? Holy shit! Fuck American Idol and all the fascist-bourgeoisie shit they have pumped down our pie holes, while claiming it is "music." FUCK THAT.

Anger is nothing more than happiness in excess. That's my excuse. What's yours?

Republicans have ruined this country. Don't start cheering, Democrats. You have won by default. The religous-right have gone too far trying to push their ghost stories on the American public. We, as a nation, should be up in arms.

When is our protest? The Youth of America have become completely lazy. Iraq is our Vietnam. We should be taking it to the streets. Why aren't artists like the Nightwatchman and Rage Against The Machine being played on radio and MTV. Youth is bowing to the old bastards supposedly running the country. When is our revolution? Time to put our fists in the air.

The voter turn out, as far as my demographic is concerned, is dismal at best. The reason shit is so bad is because the 18-30 year olds aren't hitting the poles. Unfortunately, I can't complain too much, as I don't hit the poles either.

Smoking makes you look cool. Smoking weed makes you look like a badass. Smoking crack makes you look like a ghetto douche bag. Too bad all of that kills you.

"All's fair in love and war." In love at least you get sexual release. What does war give us? A bunch of innocent kids coming home in body bags and/or missing limbs. Sure sounds fair to me.

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have cancer.

I love this line from Sean Routh: "The doctor said 'You're not dying from this disease. You're LIVING with this disease... until it kills you.' "

Sex is over-rated. People that say this are either married or spend way too much time masturbating.

Why do people choose to live in tornado country? They call it that for a reason. Would you live there by choice? Is the housing really THAT much cheaper?

America- Land of Dreams. Where qualifying to buy a house is easier than trying to buy a car.

Dance like no one is watching. Masturbate like somebody is.

My Living Will

A Living Will For Matthew N. Mestas, I.

Part I: MY ESTATE

I, Matthew N. Mestas, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath the following to My Best Friends: You Know Who You Are:

1. My Credit Card Debt

2. My nappy old futon thoroughly marinated in decades-old mysterious bodily fluids

3. My children (legitimate or otherwise)

4. Any residual angst from my corporeal existence

5. Full rights to the movie of my life, tentatively titled The Little Vegetable Who Could

6. All the bong and bowl resin you can scrape

7. My collection of Wizard of Oz commemorative plates

Part II: MEDICAL ATTENTION

In the likely event that I am rendered incapacitated due to brain weevils or late-night drunken skateboarding stunts, the above signed has the right to make decisions concerning my quality of life, and must:

1. Ensure I am cared for by smokin'-hot nurses

2. Hook me up to a whiskey IV

3. Pour out a little for me, your undersigned homey

4. Molest my genitals mercilessly

5. Spoon-feed me pudding

6. Use my death to create an obnoxious media circus and/or political wedge issue

7. Pull the plug if I'm out for more than 15 minutes

Part III: BURIAL

The executor also has the following responsibilities upon my expiration:

1. Avenge all slights against my honor...with a katana sword

2. Build a massive pyramid of pizza boxes and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans for my glory

3. Provide Jell-O shots at my wake

4. Light me on fire atop the hood of a blessed Camero and drive my bitchin' corpse-torch through the streets for one last rockathon

5. Distribute air horns at my funeral, discharging them whenever anyone cries

6. Nail any hot, grieving chicks who would inexplicably be in attendance*

*But totally NOT hot-corkscrew my girlfriend/wife/mistress/mother/sister

The party of the second part will adhere to these explicit wishes, in perpetuity, heretofore, ipso facto, e pluribus unum, or forever shut the fuck up.

_________________________

Signed

__________________________

Witnessed

(Please note this is from the June 2005 issue of Maxim)

Falling Asleep With This As My Soundtrack...

Being Sick Sucks

I went to sleep (or at least tried) last night with major sinus pressure and head/body aches like I've never experience. It sucks. I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night. I went into work at 6am and was gone by 10am... I could barely even make it that long. When I got home, I crashed out on my couch. I woke up at around 4pm and moved into my bedroom. Than SHE came over and made me tea and soup... What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?! I'm not sure, but I'm kinda hoping I get sick more often...

Wow... Just Stumbled Upon This Diamond In The Rough!

Everyone Knows This Feeling...

Been Listening To The Swell Season...

This Song Is Helping Me Stay Positive...

Add It Up...

Homemade omelette with orange juice and coffee PLUS lounging around watching a movie PLUS an intense game of "Trivial Pursuit: 90's Edition" PLUS hanging out with my puppies PLUS homemade dinner consisting of tilapia, rice and veggies PLUS a few glasses of wine EQUALS...

One of the best days on record for me.

... Spending it with someone that has no idea how much she means to me- PRICELESS.

Thanks for an incredible day! You know who you are...