My Living Will

A Living Will For Matthew N. Mestas, I.

Part I: MY ESTATE

I, Matthew N. Mestas, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath the following to My Best Friends: You Know Who You Are:

1. My Credit Card Debt

2. My nappy old futon thoroughly marinated in decades-old mysterious bodily fluids

3. My children (legitimate or otherwise)

4. Any residual angst from my corporeal existence

5. Full rights to the movie of my life, tentatively titled The Little Vegetable Who Could

6. All the bong and bowl resin you can scrape

7. My collection of Wizard of Oz commemorative plates

Part II: MEDICAL ATTENTION

In the likely event that I am rendered incapacitated due to brain weevils or late-night drunken skateboarding stunts, the above signed has the right to make decisions concerning my quality of life, and must:

1. Ensure I am cared for by smokin'-hot nurses

2. Hook me up to a whiskey IV

3. Pour out a little for me, your undersigned homey

4. Molest my genitals mercilessly

5. Spoon-feed me pudding

6. Use my death to create an obnoxious media circus and/or political wedge issue

7. Pull the plug if I'm out for more than 15 minutes

Part III: BURIAL

The executor also has the following responsibilities upon my expiration:

1. Avenge all slights against my honor...with a katana sword

2. Build a massive pyramid of pizza boxes and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans for my glory

3. Provide Jell-O shots at my wake

4. Light me on fire atop the hood of a blessed Camero and drive my bitchin' corpse-torch through the streets for one last rockathon

5. Distribute air horns at my funeral, discharging them whenever anyone cries

6. Nail any hot, grieving chicks who would inexplicably be in attendance*

*But totally NOT hot-corkscrew my girlfriend/wife/mistress/mother/sister

The party of the second part will adhere to these explicit wishes, in perpetuity, heretofore, ipso facto, e pluribus unum, or forever shut the fuck up.

_________________________

Signed

__________________________

Witnessed

(Please note this is from the June 2005 issue of Maxim)