Alcohol Did It...

I just found out that I got kicked out of my band for my excessive drinking. The strange part is that I am a solo artist.

Oh My God... I LOVE This Version Of This Song! So Amazing!

I've Heard This Song A Million Times And Just Realized What It's About! This Explains How I Felt For A Long Time So Perfectly! Crazy!

Mestismo At Its Infant Stages...

This is what raw "Mestismo" looks like... Watch out ladies. In about 17 years, this kid's gonna be a killer!

Gabriel Dancing from Matthew Mestas on Vimeo.

My New Year's Resolution

Date more models.

*Revised*

Date more girls.

*Revised*

Get a date.

*Revised*

Stop crying whilst masturbating.

A Look Back On 2010

Here is a list of some of my wins (and losses) in 2010 and my thoughts on each:

WINS:

• Lost 70 lbs.- I am shocked that I had 70 pounds to lose, but after looking at pics from last year, it's obvious that I needed to do something about it.
• New Job- Although I don't like it that much and I am looking for something better, I am glad to be working at a steady job after such a long time without one.
• Paid Off My Truck- Amazing to free up some much needed cash.
• Making New Friends- This one is huge for a few reasons. I have been sort of a hermit for a long time. I don't make "friends" easily. Now that I am single, I have realized how important friends are. New or old, nothing beats a good friend. I love the fact that I have people in my life that mean a lot to me. My old friends have never once turned their backs on me. That is something I will never be able to thank them for. My new friends like Laurren, Ian and Charity have each had a major effects on my life this year. Some more than others. Many co-workers have also made this transitional year an easier one.

LOSSES:

• My Wife- Obviously, this is the major reason as to why my life has been dramatically different than any other year for me. No matter what, I will always love her. She was my best friend and I am glad that we can still talk to each other. We are working on being friends, which is weird with someone who I spent over 11 years with. I'm glad she found someone that makes her happy and I wish nothing but that for her.
• My House- I used to love going "home." Without that, I was lost. I am adjusting well, but I still find myself occasionally reminiscing about going back home. Not gonna happen, though! Trust me!
• Laurren- She was the first girl I dated seriously after the end of my marriage. Although it didn't work out, I did learn a lot about myself and what makes ME happy. I owe her a lot for helping me through a really difficult time in my life. We have since been able to be friends again, so it's not a total loss, although she's back with her ex... Hahaha...
• Charity- This is the one that really stings. She is an amazing woman and I found myself falling so hard for her. I really can't place WHY I did except that she is everything I wanted. Everything about her is what I was looking for and I wasn't looking for anything or anyone. To be honest, I hold her in such high regard that she may have ruined it for any other girl to follow. I know that's giving her a lot of credit, but hey, I'm being honest. She is an incredible woman and an incredible friend. Being able to be myself around someone is something I have not experienced before. I have so much to thank her for. She really helped mold me into the person that I have become since my divorce. I hope we can become friends again. I wish I could say that it is what I miss most about her, but the thing that I do miss most is her. Plain and simple.

This year has been so up and down. I have had so many ebbs and flows that I am starting to feel nauseous. The thing is, so many things have changed in my life this year, that I feel like a completely different person. 2011 promises to be a good year, I think. I can feel it. Some big changes are going to happen to me in the next few months and I am so excited for them. I am chasing down some dreams that have been on the back burner for so long. My passion for things like art, music and writing have been reignited and I am following these passions with full force. 2011 is going to be my year. Watch out!

Letting Go

I am letting you go. I have come to terms with the fact that you don't think we're right for each other. I learned a lot about myself in the short time we were together, and I have you to thank for that. I just don't want to keep holding on to something that isn't there. I have to stop thinking about you and just let go. Maybe you and I are right for each other, just at a different time in our lives. Then again, maybe not. Only time will tell. I just can't let that thought get in the way of someone else. I haven't let anyone get close to me since you left. I can't stop thinking about you. That's not fair to them. That's not fair to me. I have been trying to work on me being happy, and for the most part, I am. The holidays suck, of course, but that's to be expected. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy. I hope you find someone that makes you feel complete. You are not "destined to be alone." You just need to let yourself be happy. Don't question yourself.

I will tell you this: I miss your friendship. I would do anything to have that back. My friend that would meet me for a beer after work. My friend that would help me grocery shop out of concern that I wasn't eating. My fridge looks the same as it did... I hope one day you'll call or text me just to go grab a drink and catch up. The part of my heart that you own (and always will) feels empty. I just miss you as a friend. I miss how we could have an intelligent conversation and laugh so hard with each other. Hopefully, I can have my friend back. Plus, I miss Kiki... :)

-Matt

"Those Christmas Lights Light Up The Street, Maybe They'll Bring Her Back To Me..."

Being In A Slump...

I can't put my finger on it. I am in a funk. It just feels like I can't get shit right. It's been over a month since my girlfriend gave me the boot. I'm trying to move on, but I can't. It's not as though I am all obsessed, but I do think about her all the time. It just makes me sad that we couldn't make it work. As for work, it's getting worse. I have been applying elsewhere, as well as trying to get promoted there, but the retail game just ain't for me. It is a temporary fix until my old job is able to rehire me.

I have a couple of promising things in my life right now. One being professionally, one personally. A business opportunity with one of my best friends and one of my cousins is moving forward with a lot of steam. It promises to be huge too! More details on that when the time comes! The personal one is something that I don't want to jinx right now, but it could change my life forever! I am really excited, but I need to keep a level head about this, in case this doesn't work out. I just wish I had HER to share this excitement with me. Oh well. I hope SHE's doing well and is happy.

This Song Gets To Me Every Time... Especially Now. If I Could Only Put It Into Words Like This...

How I Feel...

This Is What I'm Listening To This Morning...

It's Been Awhile...

She's Back!!!

My bulldog was found! Thanks to the flyers (almost 200 of them!) that my ex-wife and I put up, the people who found her were able to get in contact with us! Phew!!! When I got the phone call on Friday night (about 36 hours after she went missing) I was so relieved! I didn't even know what to say! I am so glad that my little baby is back!!!

Dealing With Loss...

I don't know if someone upstairs is enjoying putting me through this kind of stuff, but this year has been riddled with loss for me. I have lost so much in the last year or so, I figured it was over. I guessed wrong. My bulldog, Gracie, ran away from my ex-wife's house today. She is my baby. I can't believe that I am now dealing with this. I pray to God she comes back home. My heart is aching to think my little angel is alone out in the scary world without anything or anyone. It scares me that something may have happened to her. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do... This is one of the worst days on record for me...

Sad After My Dream Last Night...

I had a short night of sleep last night, but I had an amazing dream. I am not going into the specifics, but it was great. The problem is that my alarm woke me up and I now realize that it was just my dream. Double-checked my phone just to be sure. Nope. It was just a dream. :(... Still keeping my head above water... Or at least trying to...

"Planet Earth"

I watched all the episodes while being laid out following my back surgery almost three years ago. I love that special. I always catch a few minutes of it if I'm channel surfing and it's on. Last night, I thought it would be a good idea to get a little stoned and watch the "Ice Worlds" episode. I can't believe how AMAZING it was! I have such a greater appreciation for it! Now I want to watch all the episodes stoned... Talk about what a mind-blowing experience that would be!

In The Studio...

I am recording today for the first time in a year or so. It's been so long; I am really excited. I am working on an EP just for me. Not really trying to go anywhere with it, I just have some songs that I really want to record. I plan on it being three to four of my original songs plus one or two covers. Today, I am recording one of the cover songs. It'll be good to get it done, although I think today is going to be just a demo-style version. Just me and my Martin acoustic... We'll see how it comes out!

I Know This Feeling. Great Acoustic Version Of This Song Too...

I Think This Is My Theme Song Right Now...

Making Amends...

I treated someone horribly three years ago. It has taken me this long to build up the courage to reach out to her and apologize. I can honestly say that I did not expect the response. I expected nothing. After all, I don't deserve anything from her. I treated her, a friend, with zero respect. I was selfish and did not account for the fact that she is a person with feelings. I did what I wanted to do at the time. The end result was that she was drug into the middle of personal drama with my ex-wife. It wasn't her fault, but I didn't apologize for it.

I had a moment of clarity the other day. I realized that I had apologized to everyone I feel I had wronged in the last 10-plus years, except her. I couldn't. I was embarrassed. I was humiliated. I was ashamed. However, like a true friend, she accepted my apology! I don't deserve to be forgiven by her, but the fact that I am lifts a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I feel so great! I have dwelled on what I did to her everyday. Not a day goes by that I haven't thought about her and what I did. Not a day goes by where I wanted to reach out to her and apologize, but today, I finally did. Goddamn... I should have done this years ago...

Rediscovering A Passion

Given my last few weeks, I have needed something to take my mind off things. Thanks to my ex-brother-in-law, Alex, I have rediscovered a passion that has been out of my life in over 11 years: art. I used to love to sketch/draw/paint/sculpt... Life had just taken me away from that. I always missed it, but never found time to do it. I was too busy being an adult. However, forgetting that if you don't mix in some small passions, life is going to be boring and no good.

A few days ago, I finally put a pencil to paper. What a difference over a decade makes! I love it! The spark has been reignited. All I have been thinking about is my next sketch or my goals for artwork. I have a few! I am so excited to see where my artwork goes! These are two of my sketches from the last few days. The Dia de los Muertos skull I did today and the profile skull is the first thing I sketched in 11 years...

I Had This Song On My iPod And Had Never Heard It! Thanks Pandora! Beautiful...

Desert Weekend... An Escape?

I need to get out of here. I need to get away from shit. I need to lose myself and try to put the past behind me. The hardest thing for me is coming home to an empty house. No dogs, no "girlfriend" or "girl I'm seeing" or whatever. It's not that I depend on people for my happiness, but I actually enjoy being in the presence of a person or small group of friends. Given the week or so I've had, coming home to an empty apartment hurts. I tend to dwell on my thoughts. "What could I have done differently?" and "how could you let her walk out of your life?" are a couple of thoughts that burn in my mind over and over again.

We had plans to go out to Ocotillo Wells this weekend. I was excited for her to see what going to the desert was all about. I knew she would have fun. Me, in turn, would be having fun. I love being out in the desert: riding my dirt bike, drinking, talking bullshit. I always have fun. However, being with someone for their first time is so great. I was really excited... Well, obviously, that isn't going to happen!

I am going anyways. My best friend Doug and I are heading out Friday morning. I need it to keep my mind off of her. Hopefully it helps. Time will tell...

"C'etait Toi" by Billy Joel

"Here I am again

In this smoky place
With my brandy eyes
I'm talking to myself
You were the one
You were the one

Here I go again
Looking for your face
And I realize
That I should look for someone else
But you were the one
You were the one

I'm looking for comfort
That I can take
From someone else
But after all
I know there is no one
That can save me from myself
You were the only one

Me revoici
Dans ce bar enfume
Avec mes yeux iures
Je me parle a moi meme
C'etait toi
C'etait toi

Me revoici
Cherchant ton visage
Et je realise
Que je devrais en chercher une autre
C'etait toi
You were the one

Je recherche l'affection
Qu'une autre pourrait me donner
Mais apres tout
Je sais qu'il n'y a personne
Personne qui puisse me sauver
Tu etais la seule

I'm looking for comfort
That I can take
From someone else
But after all
I know there is no one
That can save me, save me from myself
You were the only one"

Sad, But True... (Except Green Eyes...)

Reconnecting With My Little "Brother"

Last night I was able to do something that I haven't done since my break up with my ex-wife: reconnect with her brother. Alex is one of my favorite people and for the last year, I haven't seen him or spoken with him. I'm not sure if he felt awkward or what. I have known him since he was 8 years old and have watched him grow up. We finally reconnected over some beers at my place. He lives literally down the street from me. We were able to catch up with stuff that has been going on in his life, as well as mine. He actually shed some good light on my current situation that I have been taking really hard. After I spoke with him, I can honestly say I feel better. He gave me some inspiration to get back to some loves of mine that have been out of my life for a long, long time. I am going to paint and draw again. He told me that when we first met, the one thing he remembers is one of my drawings. He said it was so amazing that it is still one of the coolest things he's seen. That has really inspired me to get the pencil to paper and the brush and paints to some canvas. Excited for the possibilities that await me in my rediscovering of art... Keep you posted...

Just Broke Down When I Heard This Queen Song

Still Awake. This Is How I Feel Right Now...

This Song Is Killing Me Right Now...

Too Drunk And Still Drinking...

I am trying to move on. I am trying to get past this heartache and heartbreak. I am dealing with the fact that as much as I want it to be, we were not meant to be right now. The thing is, every song I hear reminds me of you. Every lyric takes my mind to thoughts of you. I am drunk and completely sleep deprived. I haven't slept since Tuesday. I can't even begin to describe how I am feeling, but the booze is helping fill the void. I heard the song below and thought of you. I thought of the things I want to say to you. The song above I heard at work today and I almost lost it.

Drunk & Tired. I Hope This Doesn't Become A Pattern.

Exactly... Perfect Way To Sum It All Up...

"I Could Have Missed The Pain, But Then I'd Have Had To Miss The Dance..."

Every Time I Hear This Song It Reminds Me Of Her...

Trying To Move Past The Heartache...

This Perfectly Describes How I Am Feeling... I Just Want You Back...

Embarrassing, But I'm Just Going To Put It Out There...

I have been tossing and turning all night. The anxiety of what is going to happen today is killing me. I don't want to see HER, but I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to see HER. I just know how hard it is going to be watching HER walk out of my life. I don't want HER to leave but I know that trying to convince HER to stay is against what SHE wants. I am trying to be cool, but I think I am about to hit my breaking point...

I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to walk out of my life. I don't want to go on without you by my side, although I know you need your space. I can do that, however, I don't want you out of my life. I don't want to be out of yours. The way you make me feel is something I can't explain. Its like nothing I have ever felt before and I don't want to lose that feeling.

Was I too nice? Too available? Too much? I know they say that nice guys finish last, and I can't help but agree with that. I did things for you not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. I wasn't putting on a front. I am a nice, honest, genuine person. So here's me being honest... I don't want you to turn your back on something real. I am not saying now. I'm not saying next week. I am just saying that you are walking away from someone who would do anything to make you happy. Anything to make you smile. Anything to take your breath away.

Enough of my embarrassing plea...

I Wish I Could Tell Someone This Right Now

My Last Thoughts On The Subject...

Moving On...

This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I have to walk away from someone who I fell hard for. No one likes to move on in situations like this, but I need to try and keep my head up. I know that, for once, I was myself throughout our "relationship." This is the FIRST time I can say that with 100% honesty. I've always guarded myself and left out parts of my personality. I've changed who I was to be who I thought the other person wanted. Not this time. So now, because of that, I can walk away knowing that I put it all on the table. This is me. Take it or leave it. Unfortunately for me, she left it. I'd like to think that I am a good, decent guy, but its things like this that start to harden my heart. I don't want to be a cynical asshole, but I feel as if I am starting to edge closer and closer to that.

SHE and I had a great time together. Or at least, I did. It felt honest. It felt real. It wasn't forced, or at least thought it wasn't. I guess SHE felt like SHE had to force it. I have my own theories about that, but they'll have to wait for another place or time. Letting HER out of my life is so hard to do. I think about HER all the time. SHE still has a hold on me, and I feel like SHE will for a long time. Something about HER felt like no one else I've ever dated. We connected on so many levels. SHE is exactly what I was looking for and I wasn't even looking. I wasn't trying to get into a relationship or date... It just happened. I guess that's the difference between HER and me- I let things happen without over-thinking it, while, it seems, SHE over-thinks it. That just lead to HER scaring HERSELF.

I am guarded, to a point. I had my heart crushed, stomped on and destroyed by someone I loved. It caused me to put up a cold front so it wouldn't happen again. SHE broke all those walls down in such a short amount of time. It was something so unexpected. I became vulnerable and my heart was exposed. I wish I could say that SHE didn't break my heart, but I can't. SHE did. My heart was hers to do what she wanted. We all know how that ends up. Its not HER fault, though. I understand. I don't blame Her one bit for the pain I am feeling. SHE is an amazing woman and if SHE called me years down the road, I would probably go back. SHE is definitely one in a million. I hope that the guy SHE ends up with realizes just how lucky a son-of-a-bitch he is. SHE is going to make someone extremely happy. Honestly, I just wish it would have been me. Time to try and move on...

The Original Version Is SOOO Much Better!

I Felt Like Writing A Poem Or Two...

Confused

Tell me what's going on,

Tell me what's going wrong.

I feel like I lost you or that I misplaced you,

Even though you're not even gone.

The way you feel on my finger tips,

Caressing you skin so soft.

It makes me realize what I'd be missing,

If truly your heart is lost.

I was hoping this was just a dream,

But confusion seems to reign supreme.

Let Go

What have I done to push you away?

I really need to know.

I know your scared to let down your guard,

But sometimes you should let go.

I know how it feels to build up a wall,

to let no one near your heart.

To shut someone out before they get close,

So they can't break it apart.

You got past the gates that protected my heart,

You raided my soul without even trying.

You tell me the feelings are equally felt,

I hope you're for real and you're not just lying.

Walls

We build them up to keep the unwanted out

We build them high so the unwanted can't see in

We build them to protect what is most precious to us

You've built yours strong, but you must believe

That I am waiting on the other side with my heart on my sleeve.

This Is An Incredible Television Moment...

Make Fun Of Their Looks But, Damn, These Fuckers Can Sing!

The Roller Coaster That Is My Life

Its nights like these that I realize what I have and what I don't; what makes me happy and what doesn't. I realize how miserable I was when I was the old version of me. The married version of me that hated the way I was treated. I hated the condescending tone my ex would take, talking to me like I was a dumb ass. Tonight I had a brief text-conversation with my ex, just to find out that not only has she been withholding mail from me, but also opening it, reading it, then throwing it away. Thanks to this, she has fucked me up. Granted, I should have done the responsible thing and taken care of my tickets but, without the warnings that had come in the mail, they weren't in the forefront of my mind. Now, apparently, my license has been suspended. Awesome. Just when shit was picking up for me, life takes a dump on my head. Now Im starting to stress. I need to take care of this shit ASAP! On a positive note, I had dinner with someone that, hands down, is the hottest woman I have ever dated/hung out with. Score a point for me! At least I have that.

Woke Up To This Song And Thought Of You...

I Really Love This Cover With Two Of My Favorite Singers...

Awesome Cover Version By An Amazing Artist!

My "Say Anything" Moment...

Another Saturday Night...

I don't know what the big deal about Saturday night is. To me, for the most part, it's just another night. Everyone goes out. I usually stay at home. Mostly because I either work the next day or because I am a creature of habit. I much prefer spending the night at home or at a friend's home and relaxing. Call me boring, but hanging out with a friend or a group of friends is way better than going to an over-crowded bar/restaurant/club any night of the week. Plus, since I have my puppies right now, I'd much prefer hanging out with them. That's it.

Dedicating A Song To Someone Special: Just Thinking About You Today...

Things To Do Whilst Drunk: Rock Golfing At Night

Found this video of Doug and me shit-housed drunk and golfing with rocks... Don't knock it till you try it! Its a lot harder than it seems, especially when you're so drunk, you can barely stand! Jajaja!!!

Rock Golf At Night from Matthew Mestas on Vimeo.

Thanks To My Buddy Eddie At Work For Suggesting This...

A Few Random Thoughts...

Why do people wear sunglasses at night? On the same note, the guys who wear sunglasses indoors...what the fuck is that about? God, that bugs the shit out of me. It doesn't make you look cooler by rockin' the shades inside. Go kill yourself.

People have seriously shitty taste in music. How can shit be marketed and sold as "music" when it contains no artistic merit. What happened to artistic integrity? Pride in workmanship? Singer-songwriters? God, what has the music industry come to? Holy shit! Fuck American Idol and all the fascist-bourgeoisie shit they have pumped down our pie holes, while claiming it is "music." FUCK THAT.

Anger is nothing more than happiness in excess. That's my excuse. What's yours?

Republicans have ruined this country. Don't start cheering, Democrats. You have won by default. The religous-right have gone too far trying to push their ghost stories on the American public. We, as a nation, should be up in arms.

When is our protest? The Youth of America have become completely lazy. Iraq is our Vietnam. We should be taking it to the streets. Why aren't artists like the Nightwatchman and Rage Against The Machine being played on radio and MTV. Youth is bowing to the old bastards supposedly running the country. When is our revolution? Time to put our fists in the air.

The voter turn out, as far as my demographic is concerned, is dismal at best. The reason shit is so bad is because the 18-30 year olds aren't hitting the poles. Unfortunately, I can't complain too much, as I don't hit the poles either.

Smoking makes you look cool. Smoking weed makes you look like a badass. Smoking crack makes you look like a ghetto douche bag. Too bad all of that kills you.

"All's fair in love and war." In love at least you get sexual release. What does war give us? A bunch of innocent kids coming home in body bags and/or missing limbs. Sure sounds fair to me.

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have cancer.

I love this line from Sean Routh: "The doctor said 'You're not dying from this disease. You're LIVING with this disease... until it kills you.' "

Sex is over-rated. People that say this are either married or spend way too much time masturbating.

Why do people choose to live in tornado country? They call it that for a reason. Would you live there by choice? Is the housing really THAT much cheaper?

America- Land of Dreams. Where qualifying to buy a house is easier than trying to buy a car.

Dance like no one is watching. Masturbate like somebody is.

My Living Will

A Living Will For Matthew N. Mestas, I.

Part I: MY ESTATE

I, Matthew N. Mestas, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath the following to My Best Friends: You Know Who You Are:

1. My Credit Card Debt

2. My nappy old futon thoroughly marinated in decades-old mysterious bodily fluids

3. My children (legitimate or otherwise)

4. Any residual angst from my corporeal existence

5. Full rights to the movie of my life, tentatively titled The Little Vegetable Who Could

6. All the bong and bowl resin you can scrape

7. My collection of Wizard of Oz commemorative plates

Part II: MEDICAL ATTENTION

In the likely event that I am rendered incapacitated due to brain weevils or late-night drunken skateboarding stunts, the above signed has the right to make decisions concerning my quality of life, and must:

1. Ensure I am cared for by smokin'-hot nurses

2. Hook me up to a whiskey IV

3. Pour out a little for me, your undersigned homey

4. Molest my genitals mercilessly

5. Spoon-feed me pudding

6. Use my death to create an obnoxious media circus and/or political wedge issue

7. Pull the plug if I'm out for more than 15 minutes

Part III: BURIAL

The executor also has the following responsibilities upon my expiration:

1. Avenge all slights against my honor...with a katana sword

2. Build a massive pyramid of pizza boxes and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans for my glory

3. Provide Jell-O shots at my wake

4. Light me on fire atop the hood of a blessed Camero and drive my bitchin' corpse-torch through the streets for one last rockathon

5. Distribute air horns at my funeral, discharging them whenever anyone cries

6. Nail any hot, grieving chicks who would inexplicably be in attendance*

*But totally NOT hot-corkscrew my girlfriend/wife/mistress/mother/sister

The party of the second part will adhere to these explicit wishes, in perpetuity, heretofore, ipso facto, e pluribus unum, or forever shut the fuck up.

_________________________

Signed

__________________________

Witnessed

(Please note this is from the June 2005 issue of Maxim)

Falling Asleep With This As My Soundtrack...

Being Sick Sucks

I went to sleep (or at least tried) last night with major sinus pressure and head/body aches like I've never experience. It sucks. I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night. I went into work at 6am and was gone by 10am... I could barely even make it that long. When I got home, I crashed out on my couch. I woke up at around 4pm and moved into my bedroom. Than SHE came over and made me tea and soup... What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?! I'm not sure, but I'm kinda hoping I get sick more often...

Wow... Just Stumbled Upon This Diamond In The Rough!

Everyone Knows This Feeling...

Been Listening To The Swell Season...

This Song Is Helping Me Stay Positive...

Add It Up...

Homemade omelette with orange juice and coffee PLUS lounging around watching a movie PLUS an intense game of "Trivial Pursuit: 90's Edition" PLUS hanging out with my puppies PLUS homemade dinner consisting of tilapia, rice and veggies PLUS a few glasses of wine EQUALS...

One of the best days on record for me.

... Spending it with someone that has no idea how much she means to me- PRICELESS.

Thanks for an incredible day! You know who you are...

If Only I Could Put My Thoughts Into Words Like This...

Some People Just Know How To Put It Into Words

P.S.

A Letter To A Friend

Dear Friend,

I'm not gonna lie, the last few days have been some of the roughest days I have had to endure in a long time. It was tragically unexpected for me and I feel confused and a little lost. To be honest with you, I don't want it like this. I've tried to hide my hurt by drowning it out in alcohol, but it's not working. I can't get you out of my thoughts; out of my heart. I know it was such a short period of time but, damn, it was great. The laughs. The great times we had. Even the pain. If I could go back and do it again, I would without even thinking twice about it. Even if going back I still had to relive this pain, I would. You mean that much to me. It would be so worth it. I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but my tears and the pain are clouding my thoughts. Of course, every song I hear reminds me of you and the good times we had. This is rough.

Truly,
Matt

A Change Will Do You Good

It's been a while, and there have been some huge changes in my life. I never expected my life to turn around, as it felt as if I was in a downward spiral. I had been seeing a couple of people, and although they filled a temporary void, they weren't substantial. I felt as if I was just destined to be jumping from one relationship to the next, hoping and wishing for real happiness. Then SHE came into my life! This is a feeling that I haven't felt, nor do I feel I deserve to be as happy as I am when I am with HER. Here's how I met her:

The softball team I currently play on, Robian, was playing in a charity tournament. I was playing in the same tournament, however, I was with my old team, the Scallywags, that got back together just for this event. Robian was short one girl, so the woman running the event gave them a free player that had no team. When I went to go watch them play one of their games, I was smitten by this new player. She was gorgeous. She was athletic. She was sexy. I remember thinking to myself "Who is the chick in the Boston hat?!" I talked to Robert (the guy who runs the Robian softball team) and told him that we should get her to play on our team for the regular season. He agreed. Who doesn't want another hot chick on their softball team? He asked her. And asked her. And asked her. She, unfortunately, had agreed to play for another team in the same league. The worst part was that they were the worst team in the league, winning only one game in three seasons. Every time we'd play them, I would tell everyone to make an error on her hits, so she'd be on the bases and I could stare at her. Pathetic, but hey?! What are you gonna do?! She's hot!

After last season, I told Robert to call her again to see if he could convince her to join our team. She agreed and I was the first phone call he made. That was amazing news for me, and I really thought he was just fucking with me. He was not. He put together a day to get together for pizza so we can all give him our paperwork, like IDs and whatnot. She was going to be there... I had to go! This was my opportunity to finally meet her! It all went well. We had a few beers, a couple of laughs, and then we were on our way. Tradition for our team is to go out for pizza and beers after our games, so I knew I would have another opportunity to talk to her. However, almost all the guys on my softball team are single, so I knew I would have to try talking to her before anyone else did!

After our first game we all went out for pizza and beers. I was buzzed. When I am buzzed, the thin filter that I normally have goes away, and shit begins to fly out of my mouth before I can even think about it. She apparently thought I was funny, and we had a great conversation and a good old time just talking bullshit. Then, between her missing a game or two, me missing a game or two, plus holidays where our games are cancelled, I hadn't seen her in weeks. Finally, at a game in September, we were both there. Pizza, beer, hot chick? I'm in!

We ended up laughing the entire time. It was amazing. When she left, we began to text each other. She asked me to meet her at a different bar that same night. I was so excited at the chance to have some one on one time with her. We sat there and joked and laughed. I had such an amazing night! The icing on the cake was that when we walked out, I was telling her good night and we kissed. Bombs going off next to me couldn't move me away from her lips. I'm not trying to sound all gay and mushy, but it was amazing.

A few days later, we decided we were going to hang out again. This was going to be great. I wanted to make it memorable, so I decided that we should take a motorcycle ride. I love riding my motorcycle and she had never been on one, so it was perfect! I think she had fun... I know I did.

We have been hanging out quite a bit lately. I never expected or wanted to get into a "relationship," but sometimes you can't help it. She is someone who makes me feel like no one ever has before. I can't explain it, really. She makes me laugh. She makes me smile all the time, which is rare, because I haven't had that in so long. I just feel so comfortable in my own skin when I am with her. I don't have to be someone else when I'm with her. She likes me (I think!) for who I am and for some reason thinks I am marginally funny. I am excited to see where this leads to...

Adjusting To The "Single Life"

It has been quite a few months now since my ex split up with me. I must admit, being thrown into the "single world" this late in my life is so strange. I mean, I was with her since I was 17 and now in two months I will be turning 29. Never have I been so lost. I don't know how to "date." I am not really enjoying the new direction my life has taken. To be honest, the stuff that hurts the most is the stuff no one ever talks about when discussing relationships. I miss coming "home" to someone. I miss them coming "home" to me. I miss someone in bed with me, even though we rarely cuddled up to each other (we had four dogs in the bed, what do you expect?!). I miss my best friend. I wish stuff didn't happen the way it did.

I think one of the hardest things I am dealing with is the fact that she is already seeing someone. After more than 11 years, it took less than 3 weeks for her to find someone. I know who it is, and I can't help but think that something may/did happen between them while we were still together. Maybe it's just my mind fucking with me. All I know is that I really don't like this. I just like the comfort of sharing life with someone special. Laughing at stupid shit. Hanging out. Going to dinner. Shit like that. Anyways, that is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night, hence the post at 1:45 in the morning.

Anyways, that's it. Trying to keep my head above water...

Poetry. My New Hobby

I woke up this morning still drunk.

My New Life

They say that breaking up is hard to do. Man, some cliches just got it right. It's not the breaking up with somebody that is just hard (although that is a major part of it), but rather, the separation of two lives that were intertwined for so long. My relationship with my ex lasted over 11 years. I remember the first time I met her that she was the woman I wanted to be with. I was 17 and I had no idea what a long-term relationship, let alone marriage, meant. We dated for about 5 years and got married. The marriage lasted for almost 7 years until earlier this year, she decided that it was over. Don't get me wrong, I forced her into her decision because I am a stubborn person who only wants to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I gave little to no thought about her feelings, which is why I find myself in this situation.

I was laid off from work in June of 2009, and have spent the last 10 months on unemployment. I never thought that, being under 30, it would be so hard to find a job. Given this economic climate that America and the world has found itself, jobs were a valued piece of life, and those who had them weren't giving them up. Turnover for every company has tanked, as people refuse to leave their jobs. Even fast food restaurants (which notoriously have ridiculous turnover rates) have almost bottomed out. The fact of the matter is that I lost my job, and no jobs were opening up. Fuck me. This week, however, I finally got hired at a major home improvement warehouse running their outside garden department. Before my last job that is what I did, so I am excited to start a new job where I require no training, and, in fact, have experience and a wealth of knowledge in.

One of the hardest things to deal after a break up, especially after such a long time, is dealing with mutual friends. Or should I say people I THOUGHT were mutual friends. People's loyalty always shows through during times like this. I have lost a lot of people that I enjoyed hanging out with, and it's obvious now that my friendship was just to stay in close with my ex. Ulterior motives... Sitting there like innocent shoulders to cry on and listen, when they are really trying to get with an emotional vulnerable woman. It's some sick shit, but I am a true believer in karma, and she is one bad bitch.

I have now found myself in a sort of limbo state. I am single, but I am not dating. I know I am not ready emotionally, physically or financially to be in a relationship. I was raised with manners, and although I am an asshole a lot of the time, those manners do show through. I open doors for women, I always say "thank you," and I always tip high and treat my servers with respect. I fear, however, that people see this as me having ulterior motives, and they think I am full of shit. That bums me out, because I know that somewhere in me is just a nice guy who has a hardened exterior because of my last relationship. I am not blaming my ex, though. We both changed, and we became two people who hated being with each other. That's no way to live, especially in a marriage.

I am not bitter, nor am I hateful towards my ex. She and I shared almost half our lives together, and she will always own a huge piece in my heart. She'll never know this, because I would never tell her, but that is the truth. I know, however that the piece of my heart that she owns will never get in the way of any relationship that comes after. That is just something I know about myself. I truly wish her the best. I hope she finds someone that completes her life and makes her happy. I'm not going to lie, it will feel weird to see her at first dating someone else, but I know that she deserves to be happy. She put up with a lot of shit for a long time, and she deserves to be happy. I feel like I do too, but I am not sure when, if ever, that will happen. I am holding out hope that I will meet that person that completes me and makes me happy. Maybe I haven't met her yet. Maybe I have met her already. No way of knowing yet, but no matter what, I do know she is a Dodgers fan.

Porn Is Food...And I'm Hungry.

I was thinking about porn today, and I have come to this conclusion: Porn is like food. Seriously. Think of it like this: Everybody eats, but not everybody eats the same thing. Some people like certain foods more than others. Some people like a little of this with a little of that. No matter which way you slice it, people have to eat. Some people would "never watch porn," but to them, a sexy TV show is fine. Everyone needs stimulation whether by looking at beautiful celebrities or listening to sexy music or hardcore porn. People gotta eat. I see the internet as a sort of all-you-can-eat buffet. Unfortunately, I am that obese guy that eats by himself, that just continues to pile food on his plate. There is always something new to taste, a new type of food you may never had heard of. Sometimes, it tastes good and you would like some more. Other times, it is a German scat film that makes you want to throw up. No matter what, everyone has to eat. Could you please point me to the front of the line? I have a plate I need to fill.

Trike Project: Breakdown

Alright, so I took apart the trike a few days ago and ran into a bit of a snag. Originally, the plan was to take it apart, sand down the chrome, paint the frame blue and the fenders white. I was going to leave the front end and handlebars chrome. After taking it all apart, I realized that there is a lot more rust than previously anticipated. I think that the best way to do this project will not be the easiest (or the cheapest!). Ouch. The frame, I think, will now be powder coated blue, since they have to sandblast before hand, which will get rid of all the surface rust. Better for the long term, worse for my wallet. Since I will be powder coating the frame, I might as well powder coat the fenders, handlebars and front end white. It'll look way cooler. I think that anything that would be chrome on that bike would just look stock, so I might as well go for the gold (or Dodger Blue and white!). I already received my new hand grips, in blue, so on white handlebars, they'll pop. I have a blue chain that will replace the standard black/metal colored one. I have a horn that I have yet to decide what to do with. I got my new seat in the mail, but they sent me a green velour one, rather than a blue one as ordered. Luckily, I am not on a tight deadline...yet. New whitewall tires are on their way, and I am debating whether or not to powder coat the 68 spoke rims blue. I have round mirrors that are on their way as well. Of course, they have blue reflectors on 'em. My new pedals should be here within a few days, so we're off and running. Hopefully, this project will be completed by the completion date I have set of March 14, 2010. Time will tell...

I'm not going to go on a long diatribe about the genius of James Cameron or the visually stunning effects in the film Avatar, but I will, however, give credit where credit is due. I finally broke down and attended a viewing of Avatar: IMAX 3D at my local movie house. Going into it, I was a skeptic. I figured this was a film that has been caught up in the Hollywood buzz machine and everyone was drinking the Kool-Aid. I was actually surprised that not only did I not hate the film, but that I was completely engulfed in the visual aspects of Pandora and beyond. The story was not the most creative (think Dances With Wolves on a different planet), but visually, it was stunning. I enjoyed the film immensely, even though I really can't stand James Cameron. He has made some shit movies. Titanic was horrible. I only saw it in the theater twice because I was in love with this girl Megan. I went twice to see that shit movie. It's embarrassing to even say that. But Megan was beautiful, and I would have done anything for/with her. Let's look at a few others. Terminator I and II. OK, OK. Those were amazing. Alien. Shit, that was a good one too. Alright. Maybe it's just that stupid boat movie, but still... If you are one of the ten people in the world to have not seen Avatar, I urge you to see it in 3D. It is breathtaking and awe-inspiring. Well done, Cameron. Well done.

My Trike Project- Part 1

So over the weekend, I started looking for a lowrider trike. I wanted one to take to Glendale, AZ, when we go out for the Dodgers Spring Training Camp. I thought by picking up a cool, rare bike, I could stand out in the crowd. A few cans of paint here & a polish there, I will have a nice Dodger-themed bike. So I found this one on craigslist. They were asking $200, so I figured I could talk them down. While talking to the man selling it, it turns out he is trying to sell stuff to build a motorcycle. I told him I had a bunch of parts, so I took them down to his house. He picked out a few parts, he gave me the bike, and the deal was done...

I will keep this updated as to all the customizations that will be going on. Pics and details to follow...

Late Night Controversy

Having been an avid "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" I was stoked when NBC announced he would be taking over the "Tonight Show" for the unfunny Jay Leno. Let's face the facts: Jay Leno is not funny, at all. If he was, his show at 10 pm would be marginally successful. He is a corporate lackey that would do anything the NBC heads say. He is a soulless shill and he lacks originality. Don't his "bits" and "jokes" sound oddly like others I have heard before (**cough**cough** Howard Stern**cough**cough**). His total disrespect to his followers and fans shows that he is just an empty and vapid shell of an entertainer. He is a recycling center for jokes. The worst part is, he doesn't give ANYONE credit for creating the bits, that, by the way, are completely watered down and unfunny.

Conan is an original talent that has been a successful WRITER of jokes on shows such as "Saturday Night Live" and "The Simpsons"... ever heard of them? Yeah, me too. His show is fresh, funny and new. His jokes are ones that sneak up on you. Ones that may leave you thinking for a few moments and then BOOM- I get it!

NBC's move to drop all primetime dramas to put an hour long "comedy" show put actual GOOD shows off the air. "Southland" may have been one of the best dramas I have ever seen (of course, my dad was an LAPD police officer for 20 years, so I may be a little biased). Luckily, TNT has recognized the fact that it was critically acclaimed and had a rising fan base, so they picked it up. I look forward to it starting back up on January 12 at 10 pm, as I have already updated my Tivo for it's season pass.

Here's my opinion on what to do for NBC: Let Jay go already. I know that getting your dicks sucked and your asses kissed is all nice and everything, but get over it. That's what you have your personal assistants for. Conan has not even been given a fair shake. It takes time to build up solid numbers. You can't make a decision like this after seven months. Maybe Conan is right- Maybe you guys hired Gary Busey as the new head of programming. Here is a link to the official statement made by Conan O'Brien:

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/conan-o-brien-quits-tonight-show--911

Please support Conan. If Jay wins, we all lose. Trust me. I've seen 5 minutes of his show.

Insomnia... My Fortress of Solitude?

I have always taken a good night's sleep for granted. I remember when I was in High School, on weekends, I could stay up until 5 in the morning and sleep until the early evening. I could go to sleep at 10 pm and still, I could sleep until the early evening. I think what I did between my adolescence and my late teen years could very well be classified as hibernation. Now, I consider myself lucky to get a full, uninterrupted, six hours of sleep. Over the last few days, I have found myself getting less and less. It culminated into a whopping 2 hours last night. I was exhausted all day yesterday from the previous night's 4 1/2 hours, so I figured I'd be out by the time my head hit the pillow last night. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

It all began the night before last. I think I need a new pillow. This is something that crosses my mind every night, just before I head off to dreamy dream land. However, the next morning, neck and shoulders aching, I go on with my day. I could not get comfortable that night. With the help of my bulldog using my pillow lengthwise as a bed and snoring like a grizzly, and my boxer bucking convention and sleeping across the bed, I was able to have around 2 square feet of real estate to slumber. This, obviously, will not work for me, as I am a very "healthy" sized man. The dilemma I found myself in is the fact that I have let my dogs get away with murder. I have, essentially, created monsters. My Frankensteins. My nightmare. Once the dogs get comfortable, I have a hard time moving them from their chosen sleeping spots. I have to adjust to them. It can be frustrating, but for the last few years, it is how it's been. I've gotten used to it. However, that night, I could not. I tossed and turned on my little 2 square foot island, surrounded by a sea of snoring, and comfortable, puppies. My night was a waste.

After a sub-par sleep, having a busy day is no fun, as you can imagine. My day, however, was just not that. It felt it was, although I did nothing but relax. No work around the house. No running errands. No purse shopping at the mall. I could feel sleep creeping it's way to my brain around 7:30 pm. Sweet. Just what the doctor ordered. Fighting it while on the couch, I continued to watch TV. Around 8:30, I succumbed to the sleep, as I was crashed out on the couch. I woke up around 10 pm. All of us were asleep. I helped take all the dogs to the bed, and they crashed out again. I however, was not so lucky. I had been teased by that little bastard we know as sleep. I spent the next four hours laying in bed, wide-eyed and totally awake. I couldn't take it. My eyes hurt from lack of sleep, but I could not keep them closed. I moved myself into the living room to try my luck at crashing out on the couch. I turned on the TV. I stared into the screen like a mental patient. Nothing. If anything, I was becoming MORE awake. Can this be possible?! Tossing. Turning. I couldn't understand it. Why? I had a glass of whiskey. Didn't work. I beat off. That didn't work, and, actually, had the opposite effect. I always thought that if you masturbated before bed, you would sleep better, and have great dreams. Apparently not. After two MORE hours (now 4 am) I finally fell asleep. Dreams after a long stint of insomnia can really freak you out. I usually never remember my dreams, but these ones freaked me out. I won't go into much detail, but I was thoroughly weirded out. In my dream, I was facing a crude bomb someone had rigged up to my house. The clock began to beep, the time was up. I tried to stop it, but it was just my snooze button. My alarm was going off, and it was 6 am. Hopefully tonight, I can fall asleep.

Testicles?! Really, God?!

Balls. Sack. Apple bag. Tea bag. Nuts. Call 'em what you will. God's mistake is what I call them. Come on. There is a serious defect with "man" having a swinging sack between his legs. Look at the woman. Beautiful, perfectly designed. The man is just this lump of skin with a smaller lump of skin just hanging from it. It was like in the design process, one of God's little elves told God "Hey, what about these extra parts?" God said "Oh, shit! I forgot. Just slap 'em on somewhere."

They are horrible. They hang in the heat. They shrink in the cold. They stick to your leg. They get in the way. My life seems to revolve around making sure my nuts are comfortable. Not to mention the fact that they have the appearance of little punching bags. I have been hit in the nuts numerous times by chicks, baseballs and once, by my taylor. No one (women especially) seems to give the testicles their respect. I wish women had something that hurts as bad as getting hit in the nuts on them. "It hurts when I get hit in the boob." Bull shit. Does it hurt so bad that your stomach gets in knots and you feel like throwing up lunch minutes later? No. It doesn't.

Don't get me wrong, people getting hit in the nuts is funny. Really funny. But it is also the reason that I wear a cup to play softball. I don't need my nuts to be the butt of a joke or the reason people are laughing while I roll around in excruciating pain. Why can't they be in somewhere IN my body? Is it really necessary that they hang from beneath my dick? It's like having a weather vane between my legs. "What's the weather like where you're at, Jim?" "Hold on. Let me check my nuts. Damn. It's cold here. My balls told me so."

The "Rolling Stone: Decade In Review" Review

I always have a mixed feeling when I get a magazine with a "Year In Review" article, or worse yet, "Decade In Review." I was in the grocery store at about 11 pm the other night, when I came across "Rolling Stone" magazine. I have always loved RS, although they do pick horrible music and pan amazing music. I always take what they say with a grain of salt. Curious as to see what their choices for "50 Best Songs Of The Decade," I purchased the magazine. I'm just going to talk about the top ten, as the rest is pretty much white noise. I get that they aren't going to put songs in the top 50 that are good, but with no commercial success. I'll take that into account...

1. "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley
I have to say, I may oddly agree with this. Let's be honest, there was a lot of music that came out between 2000 and 2009, but this song stands up. Cee-Lo's vocals and Danger Mouse's beats are infectious. The beat is amazing. The lyrics are great. The execution is right on. It has staying power, which says a lot, given the era this came out. Plus, I have heard two covers of this song. One by Ray LaMontagne and one by Shawn Colvin. Colvin's is good, but LaMontagne's is absolutely amazing. I actually agree with this choice on a lot of levels.

2. "99 Problems" by Jay-Z
This is pushing it as #2, but it definitely belongs in the top 10. Just a great song.

3. "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce featuring Jay-Z
Maybe for the clubs, or just because the video, but this has no place in the top 50, let alone the top 10. Now someone is smoking crack...

4. "Hey Ya" by Outkast
This makes sense. It is a song no one could avoid, and it actually had an effect on me much like a bad commercial. You like it at first. Then you hate it. Then you really hate it. Then you hear it after a while, and you kinda like it. Plus, Obidiah Parker's version of this is nothing short of amazing. He gave it new life, as it sounds nothing like the original!

5. "Paper Planes" by M.I.A.
Pushing it for the top 10, but again, surprisingly, I agree with this. It's a song that when you hear it, you can't help but rock your head to the beat and do a little hand gun action...

6. "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes
The first one I may disagree with, as far as placement goes. This is a SOLID number 2, and I am not talking about poop. If any song should be at number 1 other than "Crazy" this is it. So simple. So rock. So good.

7. "Maps" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Are you fucking kidding me? This song sucks. I mean REALLY sucks. The band sucks. The song sucks. No one listens to them except some seventeen year old cutter between Twilight movies. You got this one wrong, Rolling Stone. WAY wrong.

8. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse
I love this song. The beat is infectious, the lyrics are ironic and campy, it was a pop sensation, she's an absolute train wreck. It has all the ingredients for an amazing song. I can't believe they put this song this low. In my opinion, top 5 for sure. The album "Back To Black" is fantastic, start to finish. It should be higher on Rolling Stone's list of Top 50 Albums Of The Decade too.

9. "Beautiful Day" by U2
Who's dick is Bono smoking to get his band all this praise? U2 sucks. They are corporate shills on the take. Their music is beyond subpar. I can walk into any Guitar Center in this great land, and hear 10 people that could make better music than those holier-than-thou douchebags. Seriously, can you play me one song that warrants me calling the guitar player The Edge? The Edge of what? Shit music, maybe... Bad call. U2 is the worst band in the history of music. Go fuck yourself Bono. Go fuck yourself "Edge." Go fuck yourselves, um, other guys in the band...

10. "Stan" by Eminem
This is top 5, no question. I think Eminem reinvented, or at least reintroduced rap to the masses. Thank God! I grew up with Dr. Dre, 2Pac, Snoop, N.W.A., Biggie. Then it all went south. Finally someone started rapping about real shit, not all the decadent bullshit from a future Celebrity Rehabber. This song is amazing deserves to be higher on the list.

Maybe on another post I will give you my list of the Top 10 Songs Of The Decade. Who knows.

BTW- Bono, you're an asshole.

Shitting, Porn Stars & Tacos

Why is it so taboo to talk about dropping a deuce? I mean, everyone does it. It's gross, I know, but stay with me. I think toilet humor is funny. Jokes and conversations that involve shitting IS funny. Farting is funny. I'm not asking for an in depth conversation about your shit, but if something along those lines comes up in conversation, it should be discussed as if we were talking about the Dodgers or the weather, right?! Although, it is really funny if a conversation takes a turn towards shitting and someone is uncomfortable. I think it adds to the humor... All I am saying is that if I want to talk about the last shit I took while enjoying dinner at an Olive Garden or a Pizzeria Uno, I should be able to do so without fear of being classified as "gross."

Porn stars are really doing God's work. I will make the assumption that more than half the American population watches and enjoys porn, but society makes us, or tries to make us, feel ashamed about it. Hey, we're just trying to get our rocks off. Why should we, as a society, chastise the women who are responsible for getting us off. I think they should be held in high regard! These women are on the sexual frontlines, battling sexual repression, and allowing their bodies to be exposed to fat, disgusting men while they do vile things to their sexual organs. I mean, really. Come on people. Let's stand up and thank some of these women. They have kept me entertained for more than half my life. Except the ones that do gross shit... That's just sick.

Taco bell is good. Del Taco is better. When I am high as a kite and craving some serious fake, authentic, reproductions of Mexican food, I go to Del Taco. Let's face the facts:
1. Del Tacos are almost all 24 hours
2. Del Taco serves breakfast all day. I don't order it, but it's nice to know I could.
3. 1/2 lb bean and cheese with red sauce. 'Nuf said.
4. Del Taco is closer to my house. Plus, I pass another one on my way home from my dealers house... Win, Win.
If you disagree with this list, than fuck you. You obviously have not stared into a 1/2 lb bean and cheese with red sauce at 3:30 in the morning, higher than shit.

New Years Resolution...

I have found that New Years resolutions never work, that is, unless it's not to talk to an ex-girlfriend or to never take acid again, or something along those lines. I have stood strong against making these unrealistic goals. After all, if you don't set goals, you'll never be disappointed. I have made this my New Years resolution: If anyone tells me their resolution, I will punch them in the dick. I really could care less about what your New Years resolution is, moreover, I could care less if you lose that extra 15 pounds or if you travel to Europe. I actually like you with that extra 15 on you. It makes me look better. If I was to come up with some bullshit goal, I wouldn't tell you about it. I mean, I Twitter, I Facebook, I blog. That's about as far as I go with my narcissism. I know no one cares about my aphony about how I want to help people, or how I "need" to get into shape. I'm not saying I am happy with how I look, but I am not under the delusion that anyone wants to hear about it. So that is it. If you have a goal, keep it to yourself. Don't bore anyone with the details of your pipe dreams. No one gives a flying fuck. Do me a favor. Go kill yourself. That would make my resolution THAT MUCH EASIER. If you keep your goal to yourself it will be easier, and not as embarrassing for you, when you don't keep up with the resolution come March 1...

In The Beginning...

Being the first blog post for me on here (my blogs were originally done on myspace), I figured I will start from the beginning. I haven't blogged in sometime, and I figured it is about time to expose the world to my mind again! Look out world! Nothing will be safe here. No one will be safe. Earmuff the kids. This blog is going to be whatever is on my mind! Random thoughts, as well as many a well-thought-out thesis. Watch out world: I'm coming for you!